I ‘borrowed’ my flatmate’s jacket to wear to a party, forgot to mention it to him and somehow managed to cover half of it in cheap red wine. How do I remove it and return it unnoticed?

Bad Friend, Bentleigh, VIC

Dear Bad Friend,

It appears that you’re aware that you breached social protocol, so I won’t dwell on it. I will tell you, however, that I’m the proud owner of a ‘D.A.R.E. to Keep Kids off Drugs’ t-shirt (pictured above). I picked it up for a song at some thrift store along with a cropped Hooters ‘Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined’ singlet, but that’s a whole other story. Anyway, one day I was trawling through MySpace (hey, it was 2005) and found this surf grommet from Manly with the identical t-shirt as me. Back then (when the t-shirts weren’t in abundance and MySpace was cool), I was ecstatic to find my t-shirt twin and promptly sent him a message to establish the origin of said garment and to see if indeed, we were brothers of a different sweatshop machinist. I have summarised his reply below, which, if anything, is a poor imitation of the original:

i was at me mates house

and passed out after 2 many cones

woke up and had 2 meet a bird

found out i spilt bong water on

my tshirt and i couldnt ware it

so i stole it from me mates wardrobe

rock on

I must admit, such poetry brought a tear to my eye. His words were like some bizarre haiku that only the super-intelligent/perennially-stoned could decipher. Dear Surf Grommet, whoever you might be, you’ll be writing my epitaph one day.

As for the matter at hand: clearly you’re a klutz, so I won’t even recommend a stain-removal method* other than taking your flatmate’s jacket to the dry cleaner’s. Pay attention to their ‘all care, no responsibility’ policy: maybe you can learn a thing or two from the laundry fraternity.

* For cleaning-competent readers (on fabrics that are machine washable):

For a fresh stain:

1. Soak the stain in soda water then cover liberally with salt to draw the moisture from the fabric.
2. Wash as normal.

For a dry stain:

1. Soak in vodka.
2. Wash as normal.
3. Commence cocktail hour.

I do believe there’s more for you to read: