Men and tights, can it work?

Spandex Dreamin’, Richmond VIC

Dear Spandex Dreamin’,

There’s much to be said about a man in a figure-hugging garment; and there’s a very fine line between allure and repulsion. There are some simple rules to follow regarding tights and avoiding an offence from the fash po-po:

1. Tights are not trousers. Consideration should be made for concealment of a certain bulge – a long t-shirt or an accoutrement such as fanny pack is preferable. No one likes a male camel toe, or worse – meat and two veg outline.

2. Tights are named as such for a reason. If you have slender limbs then proceed with caution, however if you struggle to pull them above your knees or look like a Christmas ham, take them off.

3. You are wearing a synthetic stretch fabric. The Richard Simmons, Peter Pan and Robin Hood subtexts will never wane.

4. Plan ahead. Take for example a friend of mine who found himself emerging from a hotel in the CBD on a Sunday morning wearing Kelly green tights, white high tops, a purple cardigan and a Louis Vuitton fanny pack. He hadn’t intended on finding himself in a spontaneous tryst on the bathroom floor of a stranger’s hotel suite, nor did he expect to be blinking in the harsh light of day as middle-aged couples walked their dogs. You have to have a back-up plan – ensure you are within walking distance of a taxi rank.

5. Be prepared for the backlash. When you wear tights, as my grandfather would say, you’ve either got to be a good runner or a good fighter.

The key to wearing anything considered fashionably daring is confidence, and if you are comfortable with how you look and have the legs to pull it off, then go for it I say. Just don’t stand next to a naked flame.