Here at I Do Believe I Came with a Hat our motto is ‘Education through Ridicule’, or in Latin, ‘Arseholus Smarmius’. Consider me the concerned friend who tells you you’re looking fat not because I don’t want to be seen with you, but because your shirt buttons are at bursting point and they might have someone’s eye out. In true Family Feud style, we surveyed one-hundred people (or whoever took the time to respond) and have compiled a comprehensive register of mispronunciations, misspellings and ridiculous vocabulary inventions that will make you sound verbally inept. We have selected the most commonly misused and I invite you to cast your vote for the entry that irks and grates on you the most in order for it to be awarded the inaugural I Do Believe I Came with a Hat Meat Tray* for Excellence in Butchery of the English Language. Please comment below with other suggestions for future nominees to be dissected rather than hacked.

* Meat tray might not exist and might not be made from actual meat.

The Nominees

‘Aks’ vs. ‘ask’ – Noah was asked to build one ark, not two arks. Perhaps he should have built two and we would still have unicorns and dinosaurs. Useless old git.

‘Grown’, ‘known’ and ‘shown’ are pronounced groan, noan and shohne, not grow-en, no-en and sho-en. The etymology of the bastardised pronunciation harks to the small isle of New Zealand. It made its way across the Tasman Sea to Australia where a certain newsreader began using it prolifically (you have a lot to answer for, Jo Hall) and it has since journeyed with those who have emigrated to other continents. This must be stopped.

‘Youse’ is not a word. The plural of ‘you’ is ‘you’. Ewes are female sheep – just ask New Zealand above.

‘Irregardless’ is another invention. Confused with ‘irrespective’, ‘regardless’ is already negative and therefore doesn’t require further conjugation, regardless of whether you think it does.

‘No one’ and ‘a lot’ are comprised of two words each, ‘goodnight’ and ‘goodbye’, one. You say ‘goodnight’ after a good night on the turps.

‘Debut’ is pronounced de-boo, not day-boo. Yet another mispronunciation perpetuated by losers on television who don’t know any better.

The letter ‘H’ is pronounced as ‘aitch’ and not ‘haitch’. Just remember the ‘A’ has an itch. Perhaps it should pay a visit to the free clinic.

We can agree or be in agreement, however, there is no such thing as ‘agreeance’. If you’re desperate to use the ‘-ence/-ance’ suffix, use ‘acquiescence’. You’ll sound smarter and grammatically correct. Sexy.

You should have/would have/could have used ‘could have’/‘would have’/‘should have’ when you used ‘could of’/‘would of’/‘should of’. No, I don’t like green eggs and ham.

‘Your’/‘you’re’/‘yore’ and ‘there’/‘they’re’/‘their’: learn them; love them.

‘Mischievous’ is said miss-chiv-us, not miss-chee-vee-us. Why complicate things? Life is complicated enough as it is.

‘Says’ rhymes with ‘lez’ not ‘gays’.

‘Brought’ vs. ‘bought’ – “I brought my crack pipe with me. Have you bought any crack?”

Finally, perhaps in the cruellest twist of literary condescension is ‘mispronunciation’. The ‘o’ isn’t there, just as Billy-Ray Cyrus took the ‘o’ out of ‘country’.

Voting