My friend has had a succession of beautiful girlfriends, each more gorgeous than the last. He is a very good-looking guy; always sharply dressed, so witty and very funny. All the girls love him – a great catch for any of them. The thing is, if he is straight, I’m an aubergine. How do I broach this subject with him without coming across as callous? The curiosity is killing me!

Perplexed, Prahran VIC

Dear Perplexed,

In the early-eighties, just having a moustache* was dead giveaway to someone’s sexual preference; however, in this modern age, not everything is so cut-and-dry. From my experience, just because it minces like a duck, lisps like duck, doesn’t mean that it is a duck. You cannot rule out a case of mistaken sexual identity; kind of like when you check out a cute guy and then you realise once you get up close it’s a lesbian with a short haircut. Hey, it can happen.

Take, for instance, a friend of mine** who, at the weekend went from party to party and in all the chaos of grooming, made a fatal mistake and failed to line his stomach prior to merry imbibition. Once my friend’s vision, judgement and sense of responsibility had blurred, he left his burgundy-coloured cashmere Burberry Prorsum coat sitting on the couch of a nightclub along with those of his friends. He returned later after a twirl around the dance floor to discover that his iPod was missing from the pocket of his jacket. Concerned, his friends upturned the pile of coats, looked on the floor beneath the couch, in its crevices and even turned the pockets of his jacket inside out to no avail. Despondent, the only thing that would make him happier was a Bacon Deluxe and onion rings from Burger King. He staggered down the long staircase out of the nightclub with his friend, Elise, and they sat down to enjoy their delightful meal of trans-fats and commiserated the loss of one his most treasured possessions. After demolishing the burger, a large onion rings and half of Elise’s medium fries, he looked down and said, ‘Whose jacket am I wearing?’***

You see, the fact that the jacket was slim-fitting and slightly sparkly was not out of the ordinary for this friend of mine and the only thing that gave it away was the women’s buttoning (right over left) and the fact that it was black and not burgundy. Your friend is like the mistaken jacket. Appearances can be deceiving and in fact, he might just be a voracious heterosexual wolf in a dandy sheep’s clothing. Regardless of the outcome, you have to be supportive of you friend and just leave the fabulous jacket to slink out of its walk-in wardrobe in its own time.

* Okay, I accept that this is a sweeping generalisation and Tom Selleck, my Year Nine maths teacher and Dirk Dastardly are exceptions to the rule.

** Might or might not bear some resemblance to the author.

*** For those of you wondering, the jacket was returned to its rightful owner, the missing iPod was located in the pocket of the correct jacket and my friend graciously accepts that he is a lush.

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