I have been dating a Frenchman for twelve months now and on a recent sleepover, I discovered a prescribed box of lithium in the bathroom cabinet. Should I ask him why he is dependent on this substance, keep him around until the Bastille Day celebrations are over (I thought it would be impressive to turn up to my July 14 celebrations with my French lover) or is it safe to assume I am dating a man who suffers from bipolar and run for the hills immediately ?
Trės Confused, Ivanhoe VIC
Dear Très Confused,
Well, chemistry has never been my strong suit; in fact, I detested learning about emulsification and catalytic reactions and was lucky to pass it when I was in high school. One thing I do know is that when you coat the cover of your notebook with clear nail varnish, it makes the class pass significantly faster. I could easily draw you a graph representing the correlation between increased inhalation of nail varnish fumes and decreased learning capacity. It’s amazing I’m not in rehab.
Oddly enough, when I am heavily intoxicated all those wasted hours come flooding back and I am able to MC the entire Periodic Table of Elements in numeric succession – that’s how I know lithium is third. Ironically, my solo rap career and chemistry have been intrinsically linked, with both of my (unsigned and unrecorded) solo singles, ‘Dandenong (The Dirty F’ing ’Nong)’ and ‘Plastic Bags and Aerosol Cans’ discussing the intricacies of alchemy in white-trash recreational drug-use. That said, my ghetto rapping and beat-boxing career was abruptly cut short on account of my having zero talent. It’s such a cruel world we live in. So how is poor-man’s chroming related to your issue? Well, the majority of the world’s quality nail varnish comes from France and today is Bastille Day, and thus, we have a tenuous link.
Regarding your Gaul, if you haven’t noticed anything to date, then clearly the lithium’s doing the trick. Nobody likes a snoop and if you feel like you should confront him, broach it with care in case it leads to an episodic tantrum characteristic of his mental illness. It sounds as if you intend on disposing of him anyway, so what a symbolic day on which to give him the chop. Let him down gently so he can drown his sorrows in a Jeroboam with his countrymen and be thankful that you found lithium and not Valtrex in his bathroom cabinet. It’s easier to treat mental instability than your underpants blazing like Joan of Arc.
Published on 14 July 2009 by Agony Uncle