I recently entered a relationship with an established couple after participating in a threesome. I thought I was just meant be a cameo, however, I was asked back to make numerous guest appearances and voila – I am on the permanent cast list. I was asked to move in with them but refused seeing complications arising but I still really like them both. The problem is, it’s one of their birthdays and I don’t know what to get him for a gift. I don’t want to appear as though I am trying to upstage my counterpart (who earns a lot less than I do), but I want to make sure I’m making an effort. What should I do?

Two for the Price of One, Montrose

Dear Two for the Price of One,

My, aren’t you a little Heather Locklear? She managed to appear on 199 episodes of Melrose Place as resident evildoer, Amanda Woodward and each time she was billed as ‘Special Guest Star’. Talk about moving your way up the casting couch. Now the obvious thing for me to do would be to compare your predicament to the plot of an episode like I once did with Blossom, but there are just so many and besides, that’s so two months ago. Instead, I would like to demonstrate using simple probability.

Consider the above chart. You will see from my highly reliable statistical findings that the level of expenditure should increase proportionally to your duration in the relationship. In addition, you will observe that the jealousy quotient (JQ) augments accordingly, and the catfight index (CI) has an abnormal rate of growth insomuch to say, girl, get out while you still have eyes!

The situation you have found yourself in is unconventional, yet not unheard of; however, you’re teetering on a very thin veneer of polygamy. Buy something you can all appreciate like some racy lingerie or a pap smear.

And now, for some essential viewing: a montage of Melrose Place catfights. Enjoy!

(This one’s for you, Julian!)

I do believe there’s more for you to read: