I know I’ve been promising it for a while, but I am pleased to present to you the long-awaited travel feature and my first piece for Finch’s Quarterly Review. If you click on over to their site you have the opportunity to witness a high-resolution image of my ugly mug taken by the talented Antonia Hayes, as well as tonnes of other interesting articles. Enjoy the ride!

Last night, as I threw my belongings into a suitcase like a crazed wife leaving her adulterous husband, working up a hideous sweat much like a paedophile at a Wiggles concert, it occurred to me that the golden age of travel was certainly dead. No layetier to line everything with tissue paper ensuring that my designer threads wouldn’t crease and would arrive just as they had been removed from the wardrobe. No porter to lug all 28 kilograms of my luggage (I’ve somehow managed to offload a kilogram-and-a-half in my travels) down five flights of stairs due to the elevator’s inconvenient recommissioning. No bellhop to help me out of the building and into a nearby taxi; instead an awkward shuffle with pedestrians as I boarded my crimson chariot – the 63 bus to King’s Cross St. Parnas International train station. Fellow passengers were treated to an impromptu wet t-shirt competition and a delightful display of my nipples and damp chest hair due to perspiration saturation. It was simultaneously suitably inelegant and hopelessly comical. Well, at least the woman with the missing teeth and the dolphin tattoo watching the whole episode transpire thought so.

When placed in a situation where there’s a high propensity for plans to go awry, it’s imperative to keep your cool and maintain a level of self-awareness. Controlled chaos can be frustrating, however, the ability to exercise an air of grace when under pressure is a great asset. Further, knowledge of protocol in public places and respect for others’ personal space makes for a content and considerate traveller – a dying breed in a world of looming check-in closures, tight turnarounds and rogue transients. Below is your ticket to refinement. Bon voyage et bon courage!

Getting there

Even before embarkation, arriving at your desired mode of transport on time, unflustered and in one piece (with your allowed two pieces of luggage) can be challenging in itself. Here are some tips to help to make your transfer pleasurable.

1. Plan ahead. Make a checklist of everything you need to execute before you leave the house: passport; tickets; mobile phone charger; contact lens solution; and deodorant. You’d think that the latter would be available everywhere, however, my dear friend, Peti once found herself on the island of Corfu without it. After asking locals who had never heard of such a thing, she had to resort to embracing her inner Beth Ditto and roughing it for a week. The horror!

2. Allow enough time to get there. I know most of us are guilty of leaving everything to the eleventh hour, however, you are more likely to board your plane, bus, ship or train and less likely to lose hair and hours off your life if you allow for something to go awry. There’s no point yelling or flinging fistfuls of cash at your taxi driver to fang it down the freeway. You’re at the mercy of the ebb and flow of a vehicular ocean, so sit back and float as best you can.

3. Be sensible with your luggage. If you opt to take the underground, think about how much you are capable of carrying. You’d be silly to carry an elephant if you’re the size of a supermodel, so pack according to your BMI. Be considerate of other commuters and stick to the right (or the left if you are in Australia and New Zealand) so as not to disrupt the foot-flow and ensure that you don’t plummet down staircases like Stephen Hawking on roller skates. Likewise, commuters should also be aware of those struggling with their belongings and give them a wide berth – they can’t see you coming and aren’t as agile. Be a dear and step aside.

En route

Arriving at your point of departure might be problematic, but how about when you’re in transit? Inordinate queues, cramped conditions and insalubrious aeroplane food are justifiably feared and derided; and regardless of duration, class or level of insobriety, any journey can be taxing.

1. Dress appropriately. You might be departing from a bleary winter to a tropical paradise, yet that doesn’t mean that in transit you should look like you should participate in a Girls Gone Wild audition tape. Be culturally sensitive and respect the values of your destination or stopover: chances are that an exposed midriff, bare shoulders or a the-world’s-your-gynaecologist skirt will not go unnoticed. Likewise, your state of dress upon your return journey is equally important. You might have successfully haggled that Bintang singlet down to a song and gained a shock of Balinese braids and a lice infestation on your travels, but flaunting your recent acquisitions is akin to a swift branding with the ‘tramp stamp’. Be discreet and keep it neat.

2. Know your personal space. Look at the person adjacent to you: they’ll be your travelling companion, drool-soaked pillow/shoulder and obstacle course when you need to make a trip to the lavatory for several hours. There’s no need to converse, however, a simple greeting of acknowledgment should suffice. Be mindful not to encroach excessively on the armrest, offer to assist when passing the in-flight meal and remain obliging whenever they need to pass. If you know in advance that you’ll be making several trips to the aft, request an aisle seat for everyone’s comfort.

3. Respect your purser. Adjust your attitude and be considerate to those whose job it is to make your journey more enjoyable. Sure, they might bring you a gin and tonic, peanuts and compartmentalised trays of mystery meat of questionable origin, however, this is one of their many duties. That person in the polyester suit has the primary responsibility of ensuring that you arrive in one piece; and should complications arise, has the ability to restart a heart, deliver a baby and render an errant traveller unconscious with a swift thumb to a single pressure point. Adopt a sympathetic disposition and you could leave with a pair of silk pyjamas.

When things go awry

With anything that involves the displacement of persons and their possessions, there is always a margin for error. In the words of a wise prophet (a fortune cookie), “He who has no expectations cannot be disappointed”. Take heed of this sage advice; I also recommend the sang choi bow.

1. Have a contingency. In a fast-paced world, most of us become disillusioned by a three-minute delay on the Underground, so a seven-hour delay for a flight is amplified to catastrophic proportions. To avoid unnecessary complications in flight connections, ensure that you allow significant time between legs and invest in a flight lounge membership. The dutiful lounge folk have the capacity to ply you with gin, provide a shower, literature and nourishment and in some cases, a salt rubdown to prevent you from aimlessly wandering the terminal and investing unnecessarily in Coogi knitwear.

2. Keep it on the down-low on the up-chuck. Ablutions are never pleasant and even more embarrassing when they are involuntary. If you feel the need, grasp the bag in front of you and surreptitiously eject the contents of your stomach with a series of short spurts rather than a large, vocal retch. Fold it dutifully and dispose of said receptacle with poise. Note to all flight attendants: assume the brace position for the Paris Fashion Week return pilgrimage.

3. Invest in travel insurance. It’s always disheartening when your new wardrobe finds itself in (a) foreign (stranger’s) hands – or worse – strewn across a carousel at your destination. Travel insurance is a crucial godsend that can relegate your inconvenience to the paper-pushers whose best interest is to ensure you’re imminently reunited. There’s no point in throwing a three-year-old’s tantrum and slamming your fist on a counter: smiling and resigning to the fact that a compliant courier will soon deliver your worldly accoutrements is the best approach. Consider it an imposed shopping trip for new underwear and life will remain joyous.

Alas, the golden age of travel might have departed on the 13.45 to 1920, yet it shouldn’t prevent the proliferation of respectability and courtesy in transit. Lead by example, enjoy the benefits of duty-free merchandise and keep yourself in check at check-in. You might never find love in Economy, but it’s the journey rather than the destination that matters surely?

And here’s a little ditty that sticks it United Airlines and takes the ‘o’ out of ‘country’:

Got any travel tips of your own? Leave them in the comments section below.