For our American brethren, according to tradition, the fourth Thursday in November marks a day of gratitude, feasting and sharing. What tradition refuses to recognise is that it’s also a time of overindulgence to the point of bursting, despair due to parental criticism and tolerance of other inebriated and flatulent—both figuratively and literally—family members. Did any of the Pilgrims ever have a relative pinch their ear lobes and tell them they had put on weight? No—their funny hats were too big.

Originally in 1621, Thanksgiving was a three-day celebration of a good harvest where each of the Pilgrim families gathered to share gourds, game and grits along with anything else begot from land or sea. These days, not much has changed apart from the duration of the feast (although some opt to make a four-day weekend out of it) and the instigation of post-Thanksgiving clearance sales on the Friday. Here’s how to get through the occasion in modern times and only increase one dress size at the most.

Thanksgiving is time to exhibit culinary wizardry in one’s family. In each clan there’s only one aunt who can make the perfect pecan pie, the century-old turkey recipe that must be stringently adhered to or the meal will be ruined and then there’s the rum balls that are always avoided, made by the loopy cousin whose personal hygiene lacks as much of the flavour of her cuisine. That’s the joy (and woe) of the conventional potluck spread but there are some simple rules governing its success. As the host, you are expected to provide the majority of the spread. There’s no use expecting a turkey to drop out of the sky—it is your duty to procure one whether by poulterer or hunt. Always order in advance, because their door-to-door delivery service is in limited supply. An extra courtesy is to ascertain what each guest is bringing to ensure no duplication of pumpkin pies. Maintain a list and don’t be afraid to make specific requests should something from your intended spread be overlooked.

As a guest, accept everything that is offered and eat what you can manage. Unless you have a specific food allergy or aversion, it’s polite to accept graciously what your family members have slaved over. Ensure you try everything, however, don’t feel obligated to eat something if it’s not to your liking. It is better to blame it on the sheer abundance of the other food on your plate than on their lacking culinary prowess.

If you’re not a cook, bring the wine. You should never show up empty-handed, so consult with the host or hostess what their wine preference  is. Pair accordingly to their recommendations and not your personal tipple. Wild turkey is only appropriate in its poultry incarnation.

Dress conservatively. You might be thankful for your enormous rack but the holiday is about modest gratitude and abundance relating to food, not your ample bosom. You don’t have to be all buckles and frills  like you’ve just stepped off the Mayflower; a decent level of conservatism should be enough to appease your grandmother.

Keep that smile plastered on your face. If you’ve anything to be thankful for, it’s that Thanksgiving only comes once a year, so the least you can do is be pleasant and patient. Tolerate your family’s idiosyncrasies, laugh at their stupid jokes and never refuse to take leftovers home with you. Roast turkey sandwiches will be  your lifeblood until the next major feast … Christmas.