I’m perplexed by a party invitation problem: I don’t want to invite losers. Unfortunately, there are a lot of them getting about; sometimes in disguise as interesting arty folk and occasionally my loser beam doesn’t pick up on it until they are within its circumference at a gathering. What’s a sure-fire question I can ask someone upon first meeting them, which will reveal their loser/non-loser status and how I can move on from there?

Peanuts, Melbourne

Dear Peanuts,

“Members and guest list only”: five words that any budding socialite dreads and that can ruin the night of those to whom they’re uttered. When that oh-so-exclusive club is a house party, then the ubiquitous cool guest list conundrum cocks its leg and indiscriminately soils those deemed unworthy of attending. It’s a modern crisis for both host and guest, a contemporary equivalent of a social speakeasy.

My belief is that the obscure question/statement approach is a good way of sorting the neat from the naff. The more cryptic your discourse, the greater the likelihood that any dullards will be weeded out and only the truly witty and interesting remain. Here’s a few phrases to start you off:

“How’s about the price of fish in the Czech Republic?”

Anyone who can intelligibly respond is either a) involved in the commercial Slavic fishing industry; or, b) full of crap, which means use them for their Beluga caviar connections and/or send them packing.

“I weigh as much as a bag of fertiliser.”

Perfect for use on those who stupidly dabble in hallucinogens in nightclubs, utter this phrase and you will have your target baffled for hours. When they finally approach you for elaboration, simply reply, “I used to shag a casual at Bunnings/Mitre-10/Home Depot”.

“I’m a faecal artist.”

If anyone shows genuine interest and not horror in your pursuit to express the plight of humanity through sculptural interpretation using excrement as your medium, run!

“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion on a sesame seed bun.”

‘Nuff said.

One last thing to remember: when compiling your guest list, be careful or you could end up with a room full of über-cool types who stand in the corner talking about how uncool the party is. In the wise words of the band of prophets, The Rapture, “a party ain’t great ‘cos the booze is free … the free spirits ain’t setting no one’s spirit free.”

Speaking of which, here’s a little something to get your weekend started: