Whilst hovering near a bus stop somewhere in East London’s Dalston at 4 on Sunday morning, it occurred to me that once again, I’d found myself in the midst of the long-fabled, most-despised/revered walk of shame. As black cabs whizzed by on account of my hooker shorts—somewhere between the length of Alexa Chung’s and Amy Winehouse’s—and without any buses going in the direction that I was, I had to resort to a several-mile stroll back to civilisation ie. destination EC1.

Along the hike that would under normal circumstances require a packed lunch and a thermos, I walked alone in the blinding northern hemisphere wee-hours daylight. Such a journey isn’t complete without a trip to the local kebab shop for a delectable serving of 2-day old mystery meat and deep-fried julienned potatoes, and despite being incredibly uncouth, it’s essential to down aforementioned fast food from its polystyrene receptacle as quickly as possible.

My feast was abruptly interrupted by a homeless gentleman who asked if I had any loose change to spare. Rifling around my pocket for a fifty-pence piece, I offered him some chips in case he was hungry, to which he replied, “I don’t accept food from strangers.” Crouching beside him he then offered, “Do you wanna buy a fish? I’ll sell it to you for a tenner,” followed by his revealing a whole sashimi salmon, vacuum-sealed and ready for a sushi chef’s deft cleaving. You know when gentrification has reached full effect when the homeless are purveying gourmet foods.

Yesterday, Mad Men‘s January Jones faced a similar fate when she was spotted hailing a cab in Beverly Hills, returning home in the previous night’s outfit.

Before:

The morning after:

Unfortunately, dear old Betty Draper made an amateur’s mistake and didn’t take the necessary precautions to avoid getting sprung. Take it from a professional: a little forward-planning—no matter how sideways you might be—goes a long way.

1. Plan ahead. If you know you’re out for a bender, sensibly pack sunglasses so you don’t look like a baby kitten opening its eyes for the first time after stepping out into the sunlight.
2. Call ahead. Don’t be caught hailing a taxi in the street unless you’re guaranteed that there is one waiting for you. No taxi at rank = skank.
3. Beg, borrow, steal a jacket or similar from one of your party cohorts so you can avoid being seen in the previous night’s outfit.
4. Remain composed to the best of your abilities. If you can’t walk straight, force yourself to believe that you’re on your way to a high tea reception with the Queen. She’ll bring the teacups, use your eyes as the saucers.

Images: Wireimage

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