Dear Agony Uncle,

I was just called a ‘f—er’ by my three-year-old but she had no idea what it meant. When asked where she heard that word, she gave a specific name of a child from pre-school. Do I tell the mother of said child?

Nicola, Bristol

Dear Nicola,

As you would know, at age three, children have a fascination with three things: the forbidden; faeces; and foul language. Of course, they have the most selective of timing and only ever choose to broach any of the aforementioned topics at only the most inappropriate of moments: formal dinners; concert recitals; visits from Child Protection. It seems that once children hit toddler age, anything remotely risqué is instantly hilarious. Take for example my friend’s son’s drawing below, where he illustrates his love for her (and puerile humour).

I remember when I was a wee pup in Year One—it was 1988 Bob Hawke was Prime Minister and I, like every child in Australia received a silver coin commemorating the Bicentennial. My parents in their wisdom thought they would send me to Family Life classes so that I could learn about the birds and the bees from a trained professional and in doing so, avert ever having the ‘where do babies come from?’ question asked of them. Now, this is all good in theory until a curious-and-now-informed five-year-old decides to teach the Preps his newfound knowledge in the playground. (At this point, I would like to attest that it was an intellectual discussion and not a practical instruction—please, I grew up in the eastern suburbs!) Once the baby-making banter had made its way home to Mum and Dad, I was marched into my teacher’s office and given a stern talking-to, made to feel as though I had done something wrong and was then forced to apologise to the other children’s parents. Outrageous!

Children are too young to know any better and in fact, what I had done was save the hard work for the miserable parents who complained about me. In reality they should have thanked me for the money and time saved in therapy for the ornithophobia their children no doubt suffered from being lead to believe that a stork was going to shove a newborn down the chimney at any given moment.

Pull the child’s parent aside for a friendly chat and laugh about what has happened with them. It’s most likely they will be embarrassed that their potty-mouth has been revealed on the playgroup set; and then you can both move on. You should both explain to your respective children that there are certain words that grown-ups use when they are upset, but they are not okay for children to use. If, however, the other parent isn’t receptive, why not teach your daughter the c-bomb and send her back in on the offensive for a laugh? Just kidding … or am I … ?

Thank you, Rebecca for allowing me to use Oscar’s gorgeous artwork. Move over, Pro Hart!

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