Dear Agony Uncle,

These days it’s social suicide for a woman to be caught sporting fur downstairs, but what’s the verdict for we men? I’ve always thought that preened pubes were the preserve of porn stars, however, I’ve recently heard whispers that more and more mere mortals are unzipping and clipping, and that the metrosexualisation of men extends to their genitals. Given my increasingly unruly bush, am I allowed to trim, and if so, how? I have notoriously unsteady hands so I’m finding the proposition a little hairy, but enough’s enough. No pain please, but any perceived gain (in inches) will be very welcome.

Pubic Pariah, Melbourne

Dear Pubic Pariah,

Have you ever been driving down the street in an affluent neighbourhood and passed a house with an unruly hedge? They’re rare but when one crops up, it’s incongruous with its surrounds; an unkempt anomaly amongst a sea of real estate perfection. You can’t help but wonder what the residents think of their untidy neighbour. Is it abandoned/haunted/a rental? How does this affect the value of our property? Shall I set the hedge alight under the cloak of darkness?

In a commercial environment post-financial collapse, liquid assets are a necessity. Times are tough and any form of competition should be considered a grave threat and by allowing one’s investment slip into a state of disrepair, it’s not only irresponsible, it’s downright stupid. Think of your potential investors and what return-on-investment they expect from their venture capital.

In other words, your nether-regions are that house with the unruly hedge—if you choose to neglect your trouser arboretum, you run the risk of your assets being severely underpriced in current market value. Invest in some clippers—no matter how unsound of hand you might be—and trim that hedge into submission. They are designed with gentlemen like you in mind, so no matter the environment, you will be protected from any looming collapse. With an improved appearance and greater access, your potential investors and portfolio will thank you for it.

I do believe there’s more for you to read: