It’s that time of year where one cannot be blamed for thinking that they’ve mistakenly stepped onto the set of a big-budget, reality porno: Agony Uncle does the Universe. With dubious facial hair on every second man (and some ethnic women), apparently everyone has a pool that requires cleaning.

Inaugurated in Australia in 2005, the Movember Foundation raises awareness and research funding for men’s issues including mental health and prostate cancer. I participated that year but due to my inability to grow facial hair and my propensity to resemble a poor man’s Gomez Addams–only after a mascara moustache touch-up–I have opted to become a spectating sponsor instead.

With any new hairstyle, there comes the issue of adjusting to the required maintenance. Although blow-drying won’t be a consideration in most cases for our moustachioed brethren (I hope), the grooming, cleaning and upper-lip hedge trimming are essential to avoid ending up on the sex offenders’ register.

So we asked the experts, those most versed with the Mo; so with great pleasure, we present Movember’s official guide:

How to grow a moustache

• Ask yourself the question; who do I want to be? For every style of moustache there is a different personality. You will become that man, you will be treated as that man and you will act like that man. Make sure you like who he is.
• Be brave. The first few days, even weeks can be uncomfortable and a little awkward as your face goodness grows and your Mo takes shape. Focus on the end game.
• Ignore the itching. Remind yourself that other men have endured far worse in the past; surely you can stand a little face tickle from your Mo.
• Start to shape your moustache using proper grooming techniques. A great Mo comes down to grooming.
• Respect and treat your Mo well.

How to groom your moustache

• Shampoo regularly. As becoming as they are, moustaches collect things and no matter how fine the food, it doesn’t belong in your Mo.
• Moustache hair is coarse and benefits from regular conditioning. Massage your Mo with a dollop of conditioner then rinse thoroughly. It will make it softer to touch for both you and your intimate friends.
• Use a hot face washer to steam and Cleanse the skin under your moustache that can suffer from drying and itching. For the modern gentleman, out of sight does not mean out of mind. Not to say that men should be slaves to etiquette, but some basic good manners and a Mo will go a long way in helping you during your ascent to the top.

Trimming your moustache

• Invest in the right equipment. A man of fine and serious moustachery should have in his quiver a pair of barber scissors for precise trimming; a fine toothed comb for guidance; a bright and large mirror for a good (well let’s face it, exquisite) view; a razor, a steady hand and a sensible mind.
• Dampen the moustache hair to trim. Wet hair is easier to cut but dry hair easier to trim. It is important to note that wet hair does bounce up when dry.
• Using a fine-toothed comb, tidy your moustache so the hairs run in the direction you intend them to and lasso any strays into line.
• Outline in your mind the shape of your moustache using your eye or the existing shape that needs to be freshened up.
• Using the barber scissors, trim longer and stray hairs on the outer edge and bottom line of your moustache. You may wish to use a finger or the fine toothed comb as a barber would to hold the hair as you trim. Trim conservatively. You can always go over it again.
• Run the clippers over the body of the Mo to get a consistent and even level of bush and bounce.
• Finish with a sharp razor to highlight the outer lines
• Embrace moustache wax.

So be sure to sponsor your local hirsute bloke for a good cause. You can find details on how to do so here.

I do believe there’s more for you to read: