Dear Agony Uncle,

I saw your recent tweet about when Christmas decorations and it confounded me even further. What’s the correct procedure for putting them up and taking them down?

Festive Frankie, Pymble

Dear Festive Frankie,

Arguably, you could call me a grinch; its early onset brought about by a prolonged stint in retail. If it wasn’t the secret pencilling of post-Boxing Day price tags on the Industry’s busiest day—Christmas Eve—that pushed me over the edge, it was certainly the endless monotony of piped carols that causes me to contort like a possessed Russian gymnast when I hear the first chords of Kylie Minogue’s version of ‘Santa Baby.’ Yes, my negative disposition to the festive season isn’t the prevailing sentiment, but I know I’m not alone.

Don’t even get me started on Father Christmas. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake? What a terrifying thought! Let’s just face it: Santa’s just an old perv who managed to figure out how to sneak a webcam into my bedroom without my knowing. Forget his supposed omniscience; he and his eight tiny reindeer are really fleeing Interpol and an internationally-sanctioned warrant for his arrest for his being a creepy beard enthusiast.

But it’s not the season, nor its gaudy ornamentation that offends me so—I mean, tinsel does have its place in camp-as-Christmas Yuletide fare—no, it’s that now it finds its way into our lives as early as October, sometimes earlier. Why, just the other night I had to ask for the waitress to remove a silver glitter Christmas tree decoration and matching gift box from the table just so I could put my glass down. When will the absurdity stop?

Traditionally, protocol dictates that decorations shouldn’t be put up sooner than the first Sunday of Advent, or around 12 December and they should be removed by 6 January for fear of becoming a redneck in the new year. I understand that department stores have a commercial objective to achieve, but when hot cross buns and Easter eggs hit the shelves on Boxing Day, well, that’s just tacky. Don’t even get me started on Mother’s Day.

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