Christmas is always a little overwhelming for most and tomorrow you might find yourself en route to the relatives shy of a gift or fifteen. Some of you might be unsuccessfully conducting the walk of shame from the night before, turning up to Christmas lunch hours late claiming you were staying at your ‘girlfriend’s’ house the night before. Oh, that was just me in ’04? Carry on.
Given that the only places you will find open on 25 December are service stations, 7-Elevens and McDonald’s; the choices for emergency gifts are somewhat limited. We have compiled the best of the worst so you may go informed should you happen upon the petrol-infused air of your nearest inconvenience store on Christmas Day.
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- Fun for the whole family, these cigarette lighters come in an array of colours and patterns. Perfect for lighting the candles on the dining table or inflicting pain upon anyone who dares to questions your authority. CAUTION: not intended for persons under the influence or five years of age.
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- This nifty cigarette lighter socket jumper lead set will come in handy when a geriatric family member decides to have a cardiac arrest. Like your dry cleaner, all care, no responsibility.
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- Instantly lower your sex appeal and blend into the shadows in one handy accessory.
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- What better to start a conversation with the male folk of the family than the social lubricant—lubricant.
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- The other kind of lubricant. Perfect for performing emergency tracheotomies when Aunt Claire chokes on a turkey bone.
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- A practical choice, the gas bottle is a great back-up for the Christmas barbecue. It also makes an excellent weapon.
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- Not only good for stoking the fireplace, why not teach the kids how to whittle their own Christmas present? Much like you did when you were younger, after chopping a tonne of wood with a rusty razor blade and walking forty miles in the snow in bare feet.
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- There's always a mercy dash for bagged ice, so why not come prepared? Ideal for keeping liquor and harvested organs cold in the bathtub.
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- The failsafe meal should you find yourself out on your ear. Nothing says 'Merry Christmas' like stewed snouts and entrails.
So don’t be a duffer, skive off work early and join the hordes to have your wallet and person abused in what can only be described as a complete orgy of insanity. Merry Crystalmeth, everyone!
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