Dear Agony Uncle,

I’d really appreciate your opinion on a few things regarding modern weddings. Firstly, what are your thoughts on wishing wells at weddings, and the poems that are enclosed with wedding and engagement invitations requesting that guests give cash instead of gifts?  Secondly, concerning weddings that are held interstate or overseas despite the bride and groom residing close to all guests, is it acceptable for them to expect guests to travel at great expense; and is it appropriate to expect a gift at such weddings?

Rebecca, Melbourne

Dear Rebecca,

We live in an age where the attitude to marriage and the pandemonium surrounding it is constantly shifting. These days, the opinion of whether to get married and how to celebrate it is polarised, some opting for the over-the-top meringue frock and three-course dinner, others, an intimate beach wedding. Then there’s Las Vegas. When planning a wedding—no matter how elaborate or simple—it’s best to take a modern view but with a stern nod to something old. No, not your nonagenarian aunt in the corner who smells like musk, Mylanta and decay, but tradition.

Think about what your great-grandmother would have to say about your wedding day and its execution. Sure, her views might be a little outmoded, but things were done properly in those days. Bread and butter pudding and a ‘cold collation’ might have been de rigeur due to the Great Depression, but you just know that there would have been a doily underneath that sliced ham and the on-the-turn corned beef.

Something new is the replacement of the customary wedding gift with the cash donation, which—like it or lump it—is here to stay. Traditionally, gifts are given to aid the bride and groom on their new life together, however, these days a couple often lives with one another before there’s even a hint of a marriage, thus they tend to have most conventional appliances and trappings of what nuptials would normally yield. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a Kitchenaid mixer and blender!

It’s a given that hosting a wedding can be an expensive exercise for both the hosts and the guests. With the endless list of suppliers who facilitate the ceremony and the reception, many choose to have their wedding offshore where everything can be arranged by the one venue. In some incidences it’s a favourite holiday spot of the bride and groom, in others, it’s a way of keeping numbers down. Either way, it’s their prerogative of where they choose to hold the wedding, but it’s polite of the bride and groom to request that no gifts be purchased if they’ve chosen the far reaches of the globe.

As for poems requesting cash, or worse, a wishing well at the reception, personally I find it tacky. If you choose to request cash, find a way of formalising the process, such as a website that allows you to accrue funds for your dream honeymoon. As a guest, don’t forget you can always refuse to participate in lining their pockets and instead buy a gift of your own choosing.

This new trend is something borrowed from other cultures, such as the Greeks who have been pinning money to brides’ dresses for centuries. (The same act has continued in most Spearmint Rhinos across the globe, although, those who are perforated with cash deposits are using wearing less clothing.) In their culture, it’s something that is standard, if not expected and is a substitution for mountains of duplicate and triplicate kitchenware that ensue from a union. Enter gift registries, created to solve such a problem but in their infancy were then considered presumptuous, and are now the norm.

Remember words like ‘timeless’ and ‘classic’ when planning your special day—try not to be too on-trend or do anything wacky that you might regret later in life. One example is to cast your mind back to when you went through your parents’ wedding photos and how you laughed at your mother’s psychedelic gown and your father’s blue velvet suit. Now think 20 years in the future when your children will be doing the same. Do you really want them laughing at your novelty bouquet and the embarrassing yellowed invitation requesting money that translates to ‘Admit One’? I didn’t think so.

I do believe there’s more for you to read: