Concerts: the domain of the spatially-unaware, the sweaty and the oafish. Possibly three of our least favourite things, yet we subject ourselves to them on a regular basis. Such is the price one pays to see the world’s most talented musicians on home soil, up close and impersonal. Whatever your poison, whether indie, pop, hip-hop, metal or … er, Poison, concerts are the one domain where all patrons are democratised. It doesn’t matter whether you’re cool, a nerd, a bogan, a stoner; unless you’re over six feet tall, you all share the same vantage point—a cosy nook beneath the next person’s armpit. Behaviour varies with the genre of music: you should never expect to waltz to the lonely lady two-step if you’re in the middle of the mosh pit, likewise crowd surfing is frowned upon at flute recitals; however, that shouldn’t mean that you’re not allowed to have any fun. Here is some simple governance for how to conduct yourself at the next concert you attend.

Choose Your Weapon

Like a major metropolis, real estate at a venue is a prime investment. Once established in your chosen location you must retain it at all costs in order to achieve full concert enjoyment. Weaponry of some description is an excellent defence against those who seek to encroach upon your space and your private moment of aural pleasure. While it isn’t recommend to bludgeon others with an object, suggested accoutrements to add to your artillery are a water bottle, a pocket umbrella or Pointer Sisters-inspired deep shoulder action. The mere existence of the aforementioned items is not only a visual but physical deterrent from dance floor trespass.

This Is Not a Thoroughfare

Learning how to navigate through a crowded room is quite a skill; learning how to do so without sustaining an elbow to the face is invaluable. The key is to be assertive yet respectful—excuse yourself as you push by gently and smile deferentially. Try not to make physical contact with the other person—this means no hands on shoulders or in particular, lower backs—and don’t barge through like it’s the Boxing Day sales. If you’re the person that others want to pass, allow people through within reason. If you’re perpetually the tollbooth operator, there’s something wrong with your body language. Shift your position in your group, lock your knees and stand your ground—others will always find an alternate route.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Drinking alcohol and concerts go hand-in-hand, but a little too much can ruin the occasion for all involved. Remember what goes in must come out—standing cross-legged waiting for the encore is a waste of the admission fee. Try to drink beforehand and then keep a resealable bottle of water on hand. Don’t forget that there’s always an after-party.

(At Least) Have a Hooker Shower

Sometimes between finishing work and heading out, there isn’t sufficient time to go home, change and freshen up. At any concert basic personal hygiene applies. Ensure that you give yourself a quick APC—armpits and crotch—before you arrive at the venue. That means a quick spray of deodorant everywhere that counts for the benefit of those around you. Although, beware: don’t go overboard as a heady brew of Red Door to match your red Chuck Taylors can have the opposite effect.

Drip Dry

Being in close confines with hundreds to thousands of others tests the patience of the most strong-willed. Add sweaty, writhing bodies into the concoction of poor to no air-conditioning and it can become unbearable. If you’re perspiring like Kirstie Alley at an all-you-can-eat buffet, leave your shirt on. There’s a slight psychological anomaly between the thin layer of drenched protection and someone’s glistening flesh.

Everyone Wants to Be a Rockstar

The whole point of attending a concert is to immerse yourself completely in the music and to lose yourself momentarily. Do join in but let the singer do their job. Wailing and screeching won’t garner a record deal from A&R hanging in the audience and will most attract the chagrin of those nearby. Face it, girl, you’re not Whitney. Even Whitney’s not Whitney.

Lost Property Karma

If you happen to chance upon an object on the floor, do the right thing and pick it up. Ask those around you if it belongs to them and failing finding its owner, hand it in over the bar or the cloakroom. You never know when those karma points are going to come in handy when your necklace flies off over your head, almost knocking out your front teeth when you’re in the middle of enraptured Masai pogo-stick impersonation.

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