With only two shopping days left until Father’s Day, the task of buying something that won’t see you disinherited for the patriarch of your family can be daunting. Generally, mothers are easy to shop for on account of their love knowing no bounds, however, throwing anything floral-scented into some tissue paper isn’t going to cut it with Papa. A typical array of gifts are as such—car anything, sport anything, booze anything, female anything—but these choices are unimaginative and limited only to your average dad. What if your father is a little more discerning ie. painfully difficult; what to buy then?
Well, we’ve done the legwork—and my, what amazing legs they are—for you and found you the quirky, thoughtful and downright bizarre for the man who is responsible for your existence. Oh, and before our Australasian friends whip into a panic—your Father’s Day is in September, so you’ve far more time to place your orders … or find surrogate fathers for whom shopping is less of a task.
Bulletproof Pocket Square
As children we all think of our fathers as superheros, but what if there is an explanation less sinister for his late nights at the office—espionage. From Sruli Recht comes the bulletproof pocket square, which when folded into their “Damned Fold” formation, can protect the heart from incoming ballistics on his next mission. Measuring 270 mm x 270, it’s made from lemon military-grade ballistic-strength Aramid fibre and is coated in citric French cotton. Not bad for 95€, although there is no guarantee that the impact of a bullet won’t shatter bone beneath.
Mahogany Bicycle
If you eat nothing but organic vegetables, have read Proust and Sartre before the age of eight and you’re wearing TOMS for their irony, chances are your father is an urban hipster. Perhaps a Sanomagic bicycle is in order; made from mahogany using ship-building methods in Japan by craftsman, Sueshiro Sano. Alas, there’s no room for a basket on the front for your his French bulldog, Lothaire.
Custom Beef Jerky
Nothing says “I love you, Dad” more than dried, salted and delicious beef jerky, that is, unless it’s made especially for him. SlantShack Jerky allows you to choose your meat, marinade, spice rub and glaze and a variety of sized portions made from Vermont Highland Cattle Company beef. You can even purchase gift vouchers online for your father to make his own, which is sure to appeal to his hunting instinct. Now who’s the jerk?
Man Cans Candles
13-year-old young entrepreneur, Hart Main is behind Man Cans, a line of handmade candles made with masculine scents from his Ohio kitchen. Inspired by his dislike of his sister’s girly candles, Master Main created his own versions in soup cans with rugged fragrances such as bacon, campfire, dirt and grandpa’s pipe. In addition to the 3,000 cans already donated by others, the soup from cans bought by the young candlemaker is donated to local soup kitchens, hospitals and churches. At $9.90 they’re an affordable option with a social conscience, however, bear in mind you might have to wait—they’re still made in Hart Main’s kitchen and he has to attend school during the day. Best use of child labour we’ve ever seen outside of a Nike factory.
Leather Moustache Bow Tie
These are contemporary times and fathers are modern in their own right, too. Who’s to say that you might not have one, but two fathers who have a proclivity for all things leather and hirsute? Or perhaps you have two mothers and “Donor Uncle Stan” who visits on weekends and brings an amazing lemon cheesecake with him each time? Maybe he’d like this leather moustache bow tie from Montréal label, Self Made. It’d be a shame if it sat at the bottom of a drawer, but at only $40, it wouldn’t be a tragedy if he didn’t wear on account of his not having tied it himself.
Steuben Glass Piggy Bank
If Daddy’s the hedge fund manager type, sporting braces, bryl cream and bonds, chances are he probably has everything he could ever hope to possess, with the exception of time, perhaps. For men of such calibre, objects are no longer a matter of necessity, but of desire; so why not appeal to both of his loves—refinement and money. American designer, Harry Allen collaborated with Steuben, beloved manufacturer of handmade crystal and art glass, to create a piggy bank. Rather than poking coins through a slot in its back, you literally feed cash into the pig’s snout like a foie gras-destined goose. You mightn’t have to break the piggy bank to get to your loose change, however, at $1,900 it might break the figurative bank.
Icosahedron Terrarium
It’s a rite of passage: in our youth, we’ve all been forced to make a terrarium. Relegated to a plastic soft drink bottle with its bottom cut off, they were then stuffed with a variety of small plants and moss found at the bottom of the garden and then left on the kitchen window sill for all to admire. It’s not a DIY project without an element of neglect, whereby it became its very own oversized petri dish of fungus, bacteria and penicillin alike, before being jettisoned from the house and over the neighbours’ back fence. Well, this is different—Fort Standard’s Terra terrarium is a free-standing icosahedron that allows complete viewing of the 20-year-old bonsai tree inside. All yours for $6,550.
Published on 16 June 2011 by Agony Uncle