Don’t you just love the Minitel? It’s a constant wealth of irrelevance, porn and diatribes by ill-defined (and sketchy) characters, such as your Agony Uncle. What happens, though, when archival footage from 1949 is released into the public domain a mere 62 years later (don’t worry, I used the widget on my Mac to compute it!) and winds up in the nimble hands of one pedantic bastion of colonialism? With hope, comedy gold.

So, dear friend, please cast your beady little eyes over the following video, Dating: Dos and Don’ts; an educational video aimed at teens in a post World War II-kind-of-world. Dior might have invented the new look, but clearly it was yet to make its way across the Atlantic to the little town of Buggery, Iowa where this video was presumably made. See for yourself:

So what does it all mean for our hapless protagonist, Woody?

Firstly, if someone asked me to a carnival I would abjectly refuse and then refer the relevant gypsy to Immigration.

Now, let’s look at Janice: As the voiceover says, “He’d really have to rape to date someone like Janice.” You heard it, too, right? Now, let’s get one thing perfectly clear—we’re not condoning that heinous act nor or we saying that our protagonist is a rapist, however, present-day-attractive (PDA) girls like Janice aren’t interested in simple boys who wear their hearts on lemon-coloured sleeves. Particularly if their collars are that big. Janice is superior and bored, so try not to disturb her from looking at her own reflection, please.

Poor old “Not As Much Fun” Betty. Seems as though the only love she’s getting is from the bow detail and shoulder pad masterpiece that is her dress. Don’t worry, Betty, in fifty years you’ll have unequal rights yet qualify to produce a baby with your life partner, Janet on the IVF programme.

What about Anne? I bet she knows how to have a good time. She also knows how to make a fella relax—it’s called Rohypnol. If her name were Andrew, it would be poppers and KY. Yes, that’s what a boy likes.

This is Ed. He is Woody’s elder brother. Ed has a nice clutch purse. Ed concurs with Anne’s sentiment.

Woody and Ed’s mother doesn’t mind if her youngest doesn’t overdo on dating, weekends only and not too late, which really means, “As long as you’re out of the house long enough for me to smoke a bowl and make love to the neighbour, you could be proclaiming Satanism, for all I care.”

“Ehh … MACARENA!”

“Hello, Child Protection? My mother has put me in an instructional vid— …”

“¿ Que pasa ?”

“Wrong number.”

Good girl, Anne, those vertical stripes will be slimming, and if you do intend on “making it” with Woody, the fifteen-year-old who is clearly your junior, they’ll suit you in the horizontal formation also.

Judy would have more fun at the carnival if she weren’t so precocious. She’d also have more fun if she took a leaf out of Anne’s book and dressed more inappropriately for her age.

“Mom, mom! Do we have any cleaning fluid?!”

“Sorry, dear, I just drank the last of the gin but there’s white spirits in the cabinet, although, I was saving them for a martini later on.”

Not a moment too soon!

Oh. Woody, you’re not Ed!

“Take one and pass it on, children. There’s plenty of prophylactics for all. Tonight they’re cinnamon bun-flavoured!”

Should you wish to download the entire episode for education purposes, you can get it here. Have your own take on this video? Tell us about it—comment below.

I do believe there’s more for you to read: