It’s the weekend pilgrimage so many make, some even starting on the Thursday eve, all too eager to immerse themselves in the music and Mother Waster’s sweet elixir of insobriety. For some, their purpose is to escape the house, reality and the pressures of the week that has preceded; for others, it’s a chasse, the hunt for someone—anyone—to entrap and drag back to their domestic cave like the dance floor Neanderthal they become after pouring excessive libations down that oh-so-unholy well.

While nightclubs are known for their darkened atmosphere and disco lights, they present a venue in which to misbehave without scrutiny,  an erroneous belief that everything that occurs there should be beyond reproach. Of course, the days of total seclusion and privacy disappeared with the advent of the camera phone and CCTV, so now there’s even more reason to be on your behaviour best. That’s why we’re here to assist by assembling a playlist of a typical night out and how one should conduct themselves in a ladylike or gentlemanly manner both in and out of the club.

Dress

The adage “You can never be too overdressed” applies in most situations … except clubbing. Make sure you conduct some reconnaissance within your more sartorial circle as to what is appropriate attire in your boîte of choice. There’s no point rocking up in a three-piece suit to a trance night; conversely, nor will fluorescent and fluffy raver gear make the right impression in a chic cocktail bar where patrons rarely tap a foot to the beat, let alone break into the Melbourne Shuffle.

Once you have the dress code sorted, it’s important that you consider your outfit and what it projects about you. Ladies, keep it elegant and remember that if you’re going to reveal one region of your body, you must conceal the other. This, of course, doesn’t give you license to wear crotchless chaps outside of fetish clubs, but they’re not the kind of establishment we’re discussing. If it’s your bust that’s taking centre stage, drop the hemline of that skirt and vice versa.

The same for you, gents, barely-there singlets or shirts unbuttoned to the waist do not a good outfit make. Pay careful attention to your choice of footwear—nothing is more offensive than an ugly or unkempt pair of shoes. It’s one of the first things women and men who like men look at, and although it might be dark, a discerning shoe aficionado can spot horrible cobbling at ten paces.

Before leaving that house do a final check. You know that thing called a mirror? Use it. Have a look at yourself from all angles. Can you see through your skirt? Does that intricate criss-cross strapping make you look like a Christmas ham? Don’t be afraid to take it off and start again, but don’t forget the cardinal rule: don’t make your friends wait.

Arrival

Seasoned clubbers will know that “Guest list or no entry” are five words that can potentially ruin a night out even before it has started. Being acquainted with the door staff has its merits—no queuing, no entry fee, no hassle—but these all come with frequent custom. Instead, looking the part and having the right attitude have a lot to do with it, but patience and pertinacity if you are forced to line up can be the way to cut your disco teeth. Remember:

1. Always be nice to the door and security staff. Make eye contact with everyone you encounter, smile and be pleasant. Try not to be too enthusiastic as it could be perceived as your being intoxicated, which could result unfortunately in your being refused entry—it’s a fine line.

2. Try to remember names where you can, as keeping door staff on side will ensure that your entrance is expedited and admission fee is often waived. Remembering who they are will help them to remember you.

3. Do not argue over the guest list. If your name cannot be located on the list, remember that they are often complex, unordered rosters of names that might as well be in a foreign language, with hasty addenda made by promoters and hosts in illegible scrawl. Never lean over the clipboard in an attempt to find your name unless it is offered to you, always wait patiently while they search, and when asked, calmly offer suggestions of alternative spellings or names. If all else fails, pay up and get over it—it might mean one less drink you have, but at least you’ll have some dignity.

4. Put your cloakroom ticket in the same place every time. If it’s in the same slot of your wallet, you’ll be able to locate it when you depart, no matter what shape you’re in.

At the Bar

If you’re a drinker, chances are that you’ll be acquainted with the notion of a bar. Despite being a dispensary for the good oil, it’s also the place of much consternation and jostling for position in a busy nightclub. Here are a few tips to get you ahead in the queue:

1. Be polite but assertive. Those who stand at the bar passively will find they’ll be waiting there a very long time. The trick is to stand one’s ground without pushing and shoving and if pushed and/or shoved by other rude individuals, cement your feet to the floor, strengthen your core and push your back out. Not only will this secure your place, it’ll demonstrate your unwillingness to be bullied into submission and it will give you an excellent ab workout!

2. Make eye contact with the bartender and you will most likely be served first.

3. Be considerate to others and allow those who were waiting before you to go first. One to two patrons is an acceptable amount; any more and you’ll be considered a pushover and you can forget being served promptly. Furthermore, if you’re a gentlemen, the chivalrous thing to do would be to allow ladies ahead of you (within reason), or if you’re a lady, a kind gentleman should allow you first.

4. Tip generously and the bartender will be yours for subsequent rounds.

5. Buy the bartender a shot. Let’s face it, bartenders work in bars for two reasons: the tips and the booze. If you buddy up to your libation dispenser, you won’t have to wait long ever. Beware: shots are a one-way ticket to Drunktown and should be used sparingly, much like topical creams for fungal infections.

Table and Bottle Service

These days, more and more nightclubs are reintroducing the old-fashioned and quite frankly, delightful notion of table service. With some booths fetching a ridiculous sum prior to ordering a single drink, they do have the potential to attract the wrong kind of attention pertaining to ostentatious consumption.

Part of the allure is the ability to order a bottle of your favourite spirit and have bottomless mixers supplied compliments of the club. With unmetered consumption and free pouring it’s easy to lose track of how much you’ve had to drink, so keep your eye on the portions and how frequently your glass has been refilled.

One downside of bottle service is the temptation by some to show off and unfortunately, many venues—particularly in Las Vegas and Miami—indulge this by delivering bottles to the table amid much fanfare. No one cares that you’re ordering an expensive bottle of champagne; and if it comes out with sparklers, a procession of scantily-clad girls and a fanfare to the theme of Rocky—believe me, I’ve witnessed such horror—they just think you’re a wanker. Keep your eyes open for what’s happening around you and if you see similar nonsense occurring, politely ask that your waitress brings your bottle out as discreetly and with as little drama as possible. No one likes a show-off.

On the Dance Floor

Dance floors can make or break the reputation of any punter and the tiles should be trodden with care. Dancing offers the freedom of self-expression but some express themselves a little too much. It’s said that the manner in which someone dances is indicative of their sexual prowess, so performing at your optimal condition with your clothes on should be paramount. Here are some tips to be dance hall king or queen, not the court jester:

1. Observe personal space. At times things can get a little crowded so be sure to mark your territory through dance. Handbags shouldn’t be placed in the centre of the circle and should remain on your shoulder or with your seated group of friends. Big shoulders and arms à la the Pointer Sisters create an invisible ring of fire in which to burn doing the Neutron Dance.

2. Do not take it upon yourself to grind up against anyone unless invited. There’s a very fine line between provocative gyration and sexual assault, so make sure you don’t find yourself in the latter category and up on charges.

3. Stay clothed. Though you might feel compelled to tear your shirt off in sheer abandon and ecstasy, there’s nothing quite as distasteful as semi-naked man sweating over everyone. Ladies, this applies to you, too.

4. Use the podium with care. Its elevation dictates its use … by show-ponies. Unfortunately, not everyone who climbs to the stage has the talent to be there, merely the Dutch courage. Gauge the crowd’s reaction—if you’re causing eyes to roll and heads to turn for the wrong reason, get off and let someone else more deserved have a turn.

5. Dance through the crowd when negotiating the traverse from dance floor to banquettes or bar. You’ll find you’ll make more headway with a smile on your face and a bop than shouldering your way through like a quarterback.

The DJ

The disk jockey is the arbiter of musical taste and exercises power over the vibe of the club and the energy of the dance floor. Theirs is an integral role to patrons’ moods and enjoyment, so they must be respected. You might know the DJ, but don’t speak to them when it’s obvious that they’re mixing. As it requires concentration to ensure they don’t commit musical suicide, wait patiently until they acknowledge you.

If you’re going to request a song, ask for something that is in the style they are playing. If they’re playing hip-hop or trance it’s highly unlikely that they’ll have Lady Gaga and it’s almost certain your request will be met with a scowl. If the music isn’t to your choosing, change venues.

Personal Hygiene

Since the outlawing of smoking in most venues worldwide, smells that were previously masked by the overpowering stench of cigarettes are now more apparent than ever. Death breath, body odour and the fabled and much-feared drug flatulence are as common as an Essex girl, so vigilance to your own aroma is key. Take mints (but not chewing gum as it’s incredibly gauche) with you to combat champagne breath or cigarette halitosis if you’re a smoker, carry a purse-sized perfume with you or miniature deodorant to freshen up with a long session on the D-floor and pop into the bathrooms for an occasional touch-up to ensure you’re looking (and smelling) your best.

Picking Up, Making Out

Aside from its being an establishment in which to enjoy oneself, the construct of a nightclub serves another purpose—a place to meet others. When guards are down and caution is thrown to the ceiling fan, occasionally the opportunity will present itself to lock lips with another patron of a gender to be determined. There are various schools of thought on the notion of public displays of affection, yet generally if its lasciviousness level would attract a PG rating then it’s okay. However, if your caressing is causing others to feel uncomfortable/as though they should join in, perhaps it’s time to ask that old-fashioned cliché, “Your place or mine?”

Drugs

We are contemporary etiquette and social protocol resource after all, so we take a modern and realistic stance on the goings-on of the world and we present the following section with the above caveat. Drugs, of course, are illegal, so this is not to be perceived as encouragement but as governance for such acts.

As long as nightclubs exist, so will drug use. If  indeed it’s something you choose to dabble in, make sure you’re going about it the correct way.

1. Do your drugs behind locked doors. If you’re going to do something potentially damning, why do it in plain sight of other patrons? Take yourself to the toilets and lock the door behind you. Going alone will not arouse suspicion, whereas sharing a stall with a friend is only asking for trouble. You can only use the ‘girl chat’ excuse so many times before security staff realise you’re having them on.

2. Keep yourself nice. While you might think that you’re cool by sticking all manner of chemicals down your throat and up your nose, it’s likely you’ll become unaware of your appearance and your addled state will be apparent to those around you. Do not sniff perpetually—it’s impolite. Do not wipe your nostrils as you leave the bathroom–do this before. Keep the chatter to a minimum—no one likes a drainer. And for heaven’s sake, do not gurn—you look like you’re missing a chromosome.

3. Share. Why be the only one enraptured in the experience of altered consciousness? Exercise good drug karma: share and share alike.

Handling Conflict

Occasionally, you’ll encounter some aggression from other patrons or security staff and knowing how to handle these situations will ensure that both your face and dignity stay intact. If you bump into someone, apologise; if you accidentally spill someone’s drink, buy them another: common sense should always prevail.

Sometimes, however, others will be willing retaliate and get physical, in which case you should back away and alert a member of the security staff. It’s better to be a lady or gentleman by conceding defeat than have your front teeth knocked out by a drunken ignoramus without your superior intellect.

And, of course, there are those rare opportunities when you might be escorted to the exit should you have been busted in the toilets carrying out the aforementioned licentious activities, or perhaps, you fell asleep standing up after two many white wine spritzes. Simply admit to your foible, accept your fate and leave politely and promptly. Arguing the toss will not only result in a scene and a walk of shame, it might prevent you from ever entering the establishment again.

Departure

Knowing when to leave is a problem many of us face. Sometimes it’s hard to say goodbye to what seems to be the best night of one’s entire life. Alas, all good things must come to an end, but they don’t have to end abruptly if you can anticipate them. A good rule is to leave after you’ve heard your favourite song, which will become a lasting memory … at least until the morning. Then of course, there’s always the after party or the day club of your choice if you want the party to continue. Just remember: always leave in your shoes.

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