Dear Agony Uncle,

My wife is going to a friend’s baby shower. Is the protocol that the card be addressed to Mum, or Mum and Dad? 

Geordie, Sydney

Dear Geordie,

Whatever your view on baby showers, the fact is, like all of those awful reality TV “stars”, they exist. I guess my mind makes me wonder what if something goes wrong with the pregnancy, then what does one do with all of those breast pumps, plush toys and nappies collecting dust in the nursery? And at what point should one start celebrating?

It seems that contemporary commercial society tends to create a celebration for every possibly milestone, no matter its significance. “Happy first week anniversary!” proclaim the eCards, no matter how oxymoronic (and plain moronic) the statement might be. So how about the gestation process? Many women celebrate/commiserate their ovulation with chocolate and soppy movies, while men who release their seed roll over and have a little celebratory nap.

That’s it—it’s decided! I’m going to have a spermatozoon shower! No need to go trawling the boutiques, my gift registry is simple: my little boys want an Hermès blanket and a drill set. Gross.

Regarding addressing the gift card, it should be addressed to the mother, presuming she invited your wife, or to the mother and the father if he or they both sent the invitation. Alternatively, you could address it to ‘The happy couple’ or similar, but avoid addressing it to the unborn child, even if it has been named already: it’s tacky and again, fraught with disaster.

And I’ll leave you with this little Internet gem that appeared in a Google image search whilst I was attempting to find a stock image that didn’t make want to projectile vomit. Perhaps I should have provided an unsafe for work warning, and although it is offensive on a whole other level, if your employer takes umbrage to a marzipan baby being born out of an anatomically correct marzipan lady with real marzipan breasts, then perhaps they deserve to lose you as an employee. The question begs, however: Who orders a cake like this and where does one cut the cake?

 

I do believe there’s more for you to read: