Dear Agony Uncle,

How do you politely throw a malingerer off a film set? Our goal is to be firm yet respectful to the malingerer and to avoid disturbing the creative vibe?

Etiquette Show, Los Angeles

Dear Etiquette Show,

As you’d know, film and television sets are intricate microcosms, abuzz with activity and precarious balance of creativity, labour and ego. Everyone has their own opinion and is all too willing to voice it, which can upset the harmony and create a hostile environment; in short, too many cooks spoil the bouillabaisse.

This New Year’s Day past, my friends and I made a discovery during our twenty-eighth round of drinking game UNO and a barefoot run through the park that there is a way to address those who do not wish to lend a hand, or conversely, wish to smudge their grubby mitts over everything: give them a menial task.

It might sound like a pleasant way to wile away an afternoon, but when you play with our house rules, that afternoon becomes an evening and then another morning. When one of the party began to drift off to dreamland, we simply clapped our hands and yelled “Menial task!” in her general direction. Sure it might sound unpleasant, but it was for her own benefit to stay lucid and our privilege to have a docile maid to mix drinks, shuffle the deck and change the music.

So what I’m saying is that one of the best ways to occupy a pest is to give them to do something to feel a sense of importance and inclusion; as such, a menial task. Make them feel like their contribution is important whilst getting them out of your way. Ask them to run an errand, find something particular that you know is impossible to find, or perhaps give them a lengthy document or script to review, which should buy you time to get what you need to get done, done.

Of course, you can always be direct, but you must be diplomatic in your approach, particularly when addressing those senior to you, or those who control the purse strings ie. executive producers and clients. In this case, tell them that you appreciate their feedback and that you’d like to surprise them with the outcome of finished work. Suggest that you’d like to work independently so you can explore your creativity without limits and then update them with the day’s progress at a designated time. That way, you both have an indication of how things should pan out, and then you can address your critique together upon completion.

Then you can settle the score in a professional and productive manner, or if you prefer, over a tournament of drinking game UNO. Just make sure you invite a narcoleptic friend around to pour the drinks.

I do believe there’s more for you to read: