Dear Agony Uncle,

Joy! I’ve been invited to a wedding! The problem is that the theme for it is ‘Bohemian Formal’—what on earth is that!?

Rohypnol Rhapsody, Melbourne

Dear Rohypnol Rhapsody (if that’s even your real name),

It seems everyone is getting married these days, what with marriage equality in states and countries with an ounce of common sense and progressive world views, so how does one make their special union stand out from the rest? By giving it a theme. There are just so many to choose from—princess, bogan, Armenian, S&M—but finding the right one that makes the right statement about a couple’s relationship is imperative.

So your friends have chosen ‘bohemian’ as theirs, which can only suggest only one of two things about the happy couple: they have a sense of whimsy about their nuptials and wish to make the event as enjoyable for their guests; or they do not own shoes. If it’s the latter, then it’s easy: pick up whatever’s lying on the floor, clean or no, and dust off whatever dirt/paint/clay/heroin/hallucinogens it is coated it in and pull it on. Spritz yourself with some patchouli, have a pull on your bong and you’re ready to get your wedding on. If, however, your friends belong to the former category, then it can prove to be a lot more fun than a hellish trip with your face on fire with a bunch of unwashed artist folk; here’s a few things you should consider adding to your bohemian wardrobe:

A Fez

Nothing says ‘bohemian formal’ moire than a fez. With allusions to Rick’s Café in Casablanca and those who would frequent it, the hat of eccentrics is a whimsical addition to a light-coloured suit.

Velvet Slippers

Part of being bohemian is your ability to dictate your own hours, or even deciding not to rouse. Shipton & Heneage‘s hand-embroidered house slippers or so beautifully ornate that they would make a stylish addition to any outfit.

Paisley

The tripped-out pattern of 1970s neckwear, you could wear anything paisley for that touch of bohemian. Experiment with variations of pattern and colour but limit your choices to three, otherwise you’ll resemble a lava lamp and you run the risk of some loved-up hippy licking you and that stuff’s hard to get out in the wash.

Velvet Smoking Jacket

Velvet smoking jackets are an excellent choice for the bohemian gentleman; in fact, this whole look is you! From the ascot, to the open-necked shirt, down to the pocket square, you’ll have it covered if you think yourself a pompous food critic.

Remember, you should have fun with your bohemian wardrobe and there’s no such thing as ‘too extravagant’. Ask yourself, “What would Oscar Wilde do?” Well, he’d engage in sodomy and be locked away for doing so, so that’s probably a bad example. Instead, think of yourself as your eccentric uncle who lives in a manor and subsists entirely on a diet of champagne and foie gras, someone like me, and take your inspiration from him. Pass me the snuff box, won’t you?

I do believe there’s more for you to read: