As we enter this jaunty transitional season, the snow is beginning to melt in the southern hemisphere and we are looking forward to the wonder of frozen water falling from the sky in the north. It’s time to brush up on your ski etiquette and fashion because snow bunnies are made, not born.

Dress Code

If you’re a first time skier, you will need at least the following in the way of clothing and accessories:

• Warm socks: thick ones will make uncomfortable ski boots even more uncomfortable. The latest technology will draw moisture away from your feet and make you more comfortable. Invest in purpose-made versions of the humble sock even if it seems like a mad expense. You’re going to the snow—everything is expensive.
• Waterproof ski pants: choose wisely—bold checks and patterns may make you look like a chef or an 80s rapper. There is nothing wrong with quiet elegance and muted tones if you fear a poor colour choice.
• A number of inner layers: performance clothing is always better than unsightly, bulky jumpers and looks super hot when your jacket is off and you reveal your rippling physique/curvaceous upper body.
• Waterproof jacket: again, a neutral palette will allow you more flexibility with your accessories but by all means get a statement jacket if you must.
• Ski/board gloves: take another set for off the mountain. You will look far more attractive walking to a bar with a stylish pair of leather gloves than Michelin Man mittens.
• Goggles: don’t avoid bling here. This is exactly where bling belongs. As always in snow situations: more expensive is probably better.
• Head cover: if you’re using a helmet (which is recommended) you will probably still need a hat for après-ski. You lose so much heat through your head and hat hair is understandable in alpine environments.
• Scarf or neck cover: essential if it’s windy. The best kinds can be pulled up to protect your face. A bright colour is a plus and will help locate you if you get lost in the snow.
• Long johns: oh my goodness, this sounds so ghastly and embarrassing but you will thank me. You will.

In choosing your off-piste wardrobe, keep in mind that it is still very cold outside while often very warm at your chosen venue. Layers are important and casual elegance is better than blue-lip inducing stress clothes. Ladies, even though you think you will wear that tight, short dress repeatedly while packing (I’ll just throw a coat on and maybe a pantyho—delightful!), upon arrival you may find yourself reluctant to wear anything other than trousers. You have been warned.

Arriving at the Slopes

1. Carry chains and know how to use them. No one likes a fop on the side of the road and there are plenty of how-to videos you can watch before you go.
2. Make sure you put your windscreen wipers up when leaving your car overnight or they will freeze to the windscreen. If you must unfreeze them, cold water is effective; hot water will crack your windscreen.
3. Don’t lean your skis the car. They will definitely slip and scratch your beautiful vehicle.
4. As a beginner, lessons are a must. If you’re there with friends, they will soon get bored of teaching you. Even if you’ve been before, a lesson is a good idea. How can you expect to ski like a glamorous James Bond villain if you don’t have the technical skills?

During the Day

1. Since you are exercising ALL DAY, the ski fields are one of the few places it is acceptable to eat fried food persistently at lunch. But don’t go overboard; no one likes a bloated chairlift pal.
2. Always carry sunscreen and reapply frequently – don’t forget a sunscreen for your lips. First timers are often amazed at how sunburnt they are after the first day.
3. Many resorts have singles lines at chair lifts which are often faster and are a great way to meet people since you are placed on a chair with strangers. The best lines to use on chair lifts are the simple ones: “I love your skis” (but don’t use if they’re hired ones), “How long have you been up here?” and “Are you having a good day?” It’s also acceptable to strike up a conversation regarding someone who has a particularly spectacular fall sighted from the chair but don’t be mean about them—you never know when your time will come.

At Night

1. Be careful walking around, even off the slopes. It’s often icy and an off-piste injury is so much more embarrassing to admit, especially if you were sober.
2. Be bold on the dance floor—you may never see these people again.
3. Be intriguing and mysterious. This means more than two Jagerbombs is a poor choice.

Be Familiar with the International Ski Rules

1. Respect: Do not endanger others.
2. Ski in control: no one likes being crashed into. If you can’t handle the speed, you shouldn’t be travelling that fast.
3. You must give way to the skier or boarder in front of you: they can’t see you or avoid you.
4. Leave lots of space when overtaking someone.
5. When you enter a trail, be sure to look up and down the mountain each time.
6. Only stop where you can be easily seen and on the edge of a run.
7. If on foot, stay on the side of the run.
8. Obey all signs and markings—they are there for your safety.
9. In case of accidents, provide help and alert the rescue service. Those involved should exchange names and addresses, including witnesses.

Above all, be glamorous and exquisite. That’s what you are here for, isn’t it?

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