It’s the Australian Football League’s night of nights. A week shy of the Grand Final, the nation—or at least the sport-loving, pie-eating, beer-swilling cohort—holds its breath to find out who has been named the year’s best-and-fairest player. Yet it’s not the mystery surrounding who will be adorned with the French navy blue sash and medal that captivates us; no, it’s the demure flower that is Brynne Edelsten née Gordon who has usurped Adriana Xenides (Whoopi, rest her soul) in the fashion stakes as the nation asks, “What will Brynne be wearing tonight?”
And it’s not only the former Las Vegas cocktail waitress who everyone’s eyes will be on—it’s the legion of wives, girlfriends and called-in dates whose frocks and fake tans will be scrutinised by millions of home viewers as they traverse the blue carpet. Daunting for the average punter, yes; for those who have trawled every football player-frequented watering hole to ensnare their broad-shouldered full forward, something they own.
Then, secondly and arguably less importantly, are the players themselves, whose interpretation of black tie can be simultaneously bemusing, humorous and disastrous. There will no doubt be a zoot suit (RIOT!) present, variations of hideous pale-coloured shoes with acute-angled toes and the ever-present waft of brown spirits—for which we are fortunate we live in a world sans smellovision. At times, it can be like the Melbourne Cup Carnival without the sunstroke, but it’s a spectacle we endure in the name of organised sport.
While with several hours to go it might be too late to scrub off that extra layer of fake tan and start again, it’s never too late to brush up one’s etiquette. Here are our top tips for Brownlow Medal goers:
1. Black tie means bow tie and tuxedo, not business suit and black necktie. Sure, traditions change but it’s much nicer to arrive at an event dressed like a dandy and not a Mormon missionary.
2. Fake tans always appear a shade darker on camera so err with caution. Enlist the services of a professional and remember that there’s a distinct difference between tiika masala, korma and tandoori. No one wants to be the rogan joke in a PowerPoint presentation the day after.
3. Start from the outside and work in. This is one AFL-related event where footy fare won’t be served, so remember your table manners and use your cutlery correctly. Do not clink your plate with the flatware as not only is it impolite, it will interfere with the live broadcast.
4. Keep your eyes on your partner. Two things are inherent with the Brownlow: flesh and booze. These are a lethal combination, so watch what you and your partner drink and keep a keen eye out for fashion mishaps lest poor form be immortalised on the Internet.
5. Know when to call it a night. Remember that although you’ve probably written the following day off, most of the population hasn’t. Staggering home in evening attire on a Tuesday morning is very unbecoming; rolling home on Thursday in Monday night’s outfit, disastrous.
Your Agony Uncle shall be providing live commentary of the blue carpet on AFL.com.au from 19.30 AEST on Monday 26 September, as well as updating live on Twitter. Join in on the fun!
Published on 26 September 2011 by Agony Uncle