As a person of the world, you must have wangled your way into being in Melbourne for the Spring Racing Carnival. Oh I know, New York has its charms in November and London is still above freezing but seriously, people, Melbourne has the richest two-mile handicap in the world. Stop it, I don’t even know what that means!

Don’t try to understand it; just go with it. Here are some things you simply must do in Melbourne to celebrate the race that stops a nation:

1. Wear a hat. Wherever you are, whether you’re going to a Melbourne Cup event or just down to the supermarket. When else do you have an absolute iron-clad reason for wearing a hat? Just do it.

2. In a similar vein, go and look at Richard Nylon‘s millinery collection in the lobby at the Langham Hotel. It’s glamorous and sometimes quirky. He’s a genius and you are far too late to get him to make you something for this season but book now for next season.

3. Have breakfast on a river cruise on the Yarra on Melbourne Cup morning.

4. Slow the pace down and consider one of the country races. Who can go past the giddy delights of waking up in a quaint B&B before prancing round the country racetrack with a picnic (or some terrible takeaway food). On Emirates Melbourne Cup Day alone (Tuesday, 1 November 2011), there are races at Echuca, Wangaratta, Mildura, Moe, Bairnsdale, Wodonga and Mansfield … and no one’s going to notice you’re wearing the same outfit as last year.

5. Go to the Cup Eve Gala Dinner. Marcia Hines is the entertainment and it only costs $320AUD. If you’re lucky, you might even catch a glimpse of Deni, the other Hines.

6. Visit the Carnival Live Site at Crown Casino 12 noon – 9pm, from Friday 28 October until Sunday 6 November 2011. It’s the Melbourne Cup you have when you are nowhere near the racetrack and long to hear roulette wheels spinning nearby while still wanting the impression of a garden setting obsessing over the races.

7. Join the throng lining Swanson Street for the Melbourne Cup Parade to see past champion thoroughbreds and all the jockeys and trainers starring in the 2011 Melbourne Cup. Parade commences 12 noon on Monday 31 October 2011, concluding at Federation Square at 12.45pm with the official Melbourne Cup media conference.

8. Watch this clip of the first Melbourne Cup captured on (silent) film in 1896 from the National Film and Sound archives. The director asked participants to wave their hats to make it a bit jazzier for audiences.

9. Put a bet on. You don’t have to know anything about horses to bet. You can merely wander into a TAB and select a horse by number or colour and no one will bat an eyelid. Of course if you do want to get serious about having a flutter, check the newspapers and online for tips of which there will be many that are mostly wrong. Just know your limits because you need to have money for a martini in the evening.

10. Go and see the movie, The Cup, the story of jockey, Damien Oliver. Showing at several cinemas and with a Gold Class special on Cup Day.

 

Above all, be festive and vaguely interested in horses. Channel Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady but towards the end of the movie, if you will.

I do believe there’s more for you to read: