Dear Agony Uncle,
I’m afraid I might be a hipster. How can I tell?
Robert S.
Dear Robert,
I’m afraid I’m one of those who looks down upon hipsters. Those poor souls and their nonchalance to everything including rapidly approaching moving vehicles. So much so, that I thought it best that I go straight to the source to respond to your question—an actual hipster. Yes, Robert, I’d like to introduce to a friend of ours, Mr Matt Granfield, self-confessed hipster and author of book, HipsterMattic. Over to you, Matt.
Your Agony Uncle
Dear Robert,
You’re not.
Hipsters know the first rule of being a hipster is to never admit to, or talk about, being a hipster. It’s like Fight Club. Without the scars. Scars are for emos. Do you have scars? If you have scars, you might be an emo, but you are not a hipster. Unless the scars are from playing bicycle polo, or ultimate Frisbee, and if the case is the latter, you’re doing it wrong.
You did not send a photograph with your letter, so I can only assume that the reason you feel you may be a hipster is because you look like a hipster. In which case, the news is almost certainly good. If you’re wearing novelty Wayfarer-style glasses, with or without lenses, and a stupid effing scarf, I am pleased to confirm you are, in fact, Justin Bieber. In which case, give Selena Gomez a squeeze on the bum for me.
In fact, the only possible way, dear Robert, that you could possibly be a hipster, is if you are 100% certain that you are not a hipster. (Unless, of course, you are 110% certain you are not a hipster, in which case, you are a football player).
Confused?
I thought you might be. Anticipating your bewilderment, I have devised this handy ‘Are you a hipster test’. It’s so simple, an art history student once completed it with a pass mark in less than four years.
If you struggle with the test, feel free to occupy it.
I do hope that clears things up for you. Either way, here is an Animal Collective video to cheer you up. It is about flowers.
Do you like flowers?
Matt Granfield is a writer, vagabond and volcanophobe from Brisbane. He was a newspaper reporter once upon a time, but gave it up when he realised there were more exciting things to write about than under-12s soccer finals. These days Matt writes and edits for The Drum, The ABC, Crikey and Marketing Magazine when he’s not busy with his day job running a Social Media and PR agency. Matt is also a prolific blogger and tweeter. Over 12,000 people read Matt’s personal blog every month. HipsterMattic is his first book.
We have 3 copies of HipsterMattic to give away. Simply log onto our Twitter account to find out how you can win.
alex4point0
5 months ago
Are you fucking kidding me? Comic fucking SANS? What happened to papyrus…
How about:
Do you collect typewriters? are they electric?
Do you ride fixed? If you’re male, do you ride a mixte or step-through bike, to invert the dominant pangolin?
Did you score above 90% on your first attempt of http://type.method.ac?
Do you own a keffiyeh? If so, did you make sure you had a culturally sensitive weave/pattern selection for your local community?
etc
Agony Uncle
5 months ago
Thank you for your feedback, Alex. We take everything into consideration. We too have an aversion to Comic Sans, but in this instance it seemed fitting, almost ironic (you know, in an obscure so-uncool-it’s-cool way) to allow it to be used.