So for some mad reason or another, you offered to host Christmas this year. You are like a modern-day war hero except the war is family and food.* A step-by-step guide follows on how to get through this day while avoiding the shops to the greatest extent possible.

Right Now (ie. At Least a Week Before the Big Day)

1. Order some Christmas foods from a good butcher and/or fishmonger. The traditional items like ham and turkey (plus nowadays prawns and oysters) are popular for three reasons: (1) they are delicious; (2) they are impressive; (3) they are actually easy to serve. Those 1950s ladies were onto something. They knew things. They weren’t allowed to work outside the house so trust me, they developed some tricks. This ordering can largely be done by telephone.

2. Organise your remaining food order from an online supermarket. Most services will allow you to book your order now for Christmas week (including the delivery time) and you can change it right up to a day or so before. This is great because you will feel like you have really achieved something by organising it now and most importantly, you avoid having to go to the supermarket in Christmas week.

3. Work out a menu and see if someone else will bring some things. Oh I know everyone always says, “Can I bring anything?” and you say “No, it’s fine don’t worry, I’m amazing,” but Christmas is not time to be proud. They want to help. Let them. Now you have secured the core ingredients (above) you are looking for salads (for the Southern Hemisphere) or vegetable accompaniments (for the Northern) and dessert. It is okay to be strident about what sort of salads. You do not want three potato salads. You have enough trouble with carbs without that.

4. Choose a colour scheme if you can be bothered. This is the cherry on top and makes you look sublime. There’s nothing wrong with red, green, white, silver and gold all lumped in together but if you are aiming a bit higher, choose one or two colours and get serious about pulling it off. Consider blue and white. Refuse all offers of assistance that do not conform with your colour scheme and banish the unhelpful multicoloured tinsel. You’re better than that. Buy some decorations. You’ve probably left it too late to get anything unless it’s local. Etsy has a bounty of decorations that will make it look like you are crafty and organic and you can search locally. Otherwise, find the closest online purveyor of stuff. It’s not too late to get it delivered. Some sites will allow you search by colour (try the Australian-based Celebrating Christmas) or theme (try US-based Christmas Place ). Peace out, Martha Stewart. Choose crackers/bonbons that go with the colour scheme. This will make the table look special.

5. Get some tablecloths and napkins. If you have some, get them dry-cleaned because seriously, who has time to iron—you’re out drinking and eating small pieces of fried food for goodness sake. If you don’t have your own, buy some online. It’s less expensive than you think. There are also paper varieties available that are not as vile as they used to be. Check online party supplies stores.

6. See if you can find some kids to take with you to buy and later decorate your tree assuming you don’t have your own children (and if you don’t, it’s not too late to start trying in this festive period). Kids decorating the tree is so freaking great, you won’t believe how cute it is. Be firm with them about splitting up the fun parts (who gets to put the star on the tree and who gets to turn the lights on are two separate tasks that you can bargain with for example. They’re not your kids so they should listen to you).

The Menu

Prawns and oysters with lime mayonnaise and lime wedges

Turkey with stuffing, ham and salads

Christmas pudding and some other dessert that someone else is bringing

The Shopping List

- Oysters and cooked prawns (order from fishmonger or online supermarket at a pinch)
- Ham and turkey (work out how many you need to feed and order the right amount, order from a good butcher or online supermarket). If you want to buy a turkey already stuffed and boned into a roll, this is also a delightful time saver.
- Nice mayonnaise
- Limes & lemons
- Potatoes
- Cream
- Garlic
- Green salad
- Christmas pudding
- Custard
- Brandy
- Items for stuffing the turkey if it’s not already stuffed: breadcrumbs, butter, pine nuts, figs, fresh thyme, an onion or two
- Chips and nuts

A Couple of Days Before

Pick up your ordered items if they are not being delivered. If your prawns or turkey are frozen, be sure to thaw them in the fridge rather than suffer the terror of trying to cook a frozen product on Christmas Day.

What to Do

1. Get up at a reasonable hour. Don’t freak out. Drink some champagne and open the presents. You’ve earned that champagne just by getting to this point and it helps make cooking less stressful.

2. Get your resident loved one to set the table. If you don’t have a loved one (and let’s face it, perhaps this is why you’re hosting since many loved ones would have talked you out of this, am I wrong?), ask one of the guests to come early. You’re hosting so you don’t have to set the table. Rock out your colour scheme on the table. An extra nice touch is quiz cards on the table. This delays the inevitable discussions about why you’re not married, don’t have children etc. just a little bit longer. Try these ones from Fluid Ink Letterpress or you can make your own but again, do you really have time?

3. Stuff the turkey. This is only if you can be bothered. If not, then I say stuff the turkey: just bung it in the oven or maybe you bought it pre-stuffed—good for you. For a really easy stuffing, get fresh breadcrumbs, some sautéed onion, some thyme, some pine nuts and some figs and mix together with a generous amount of melted butter. Don’t stuff it too full or it won’t cook through. It’s much better to put some in a little foil parcel in the oven with the bird. I’m not going to write detailed directions on how to cook a turkey because there are oodles of them already available on the interwebs eg. here.

4. Put the turkey in the oven on time. It is bad if it takes much longer than you think and stressful relatives are hanging around getting drunk.

5. Make the potatoes or potato salad. The simplest scalloped potatoes are nothing more than thinly sliced potatoes (one and a half to two per person), stirred through with a bit of crushed garlic, covered with cream and baked in a shallow dish. You can sprinkle cheese on top if you wish and add other things to jazz it up like chives or bacon but that’s more trouble. It’s fine if you can’t be bothered. Be sure to put the potatoes on early as they take AGES to cook. Potato salad is quicker and can be made easily if you boil the potatoes until tender, add onions fried in lots of butter and sprinkle mint over the top with lots of salt and pepper.

6. Throw green salad in a bowl and dress with good olive oil and balsamic.

7. Get some quality store-bought mayonnaise and add lime zest and a little lime juice. Put the prawns on a platter with the mayonnaise in a little bowl and lime wedges. If you want to peel them in advance, that’s very kind of you but if not, that’s fine, it will keep people busy.

8. Serve the oysters and prawns when people arrive along with chips and nuts in bowls.

9. Take the turkey out of the oven and force someone else to carve while you also get the potatoes out. Serve with the green salad and whatever other salad some lovely person has brought.

10. Heat up the pudding. You could probably do this in the microwave at a pinch. Heat brandy and pour a bit over the top. It is fine to take a swig yourself at this point. Serve with cream and custard and whatever other dessert someone has hopefully brought.

11. When people offer to clean up, say, “That would be so helpful,” and get them a drink.

And there you have it. It’s that simple. Which is to say, NOT THAT SIMPLE.

But you can do it because you are marvellous.

__________

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