Another year has flashed by like a streaker at a football match and now you’re faced with the ultimate dilemma: what to wear to your New Year’s Eve bash. If you have youth on your side (or access to some hospital-grade narcotics), you’re possibly backing it up with the New Year’s Day double-bill, in which case, good luck to you, your tenacity and your dedication to the party cause.
Now, of course, as the more discerning know, New Year’s Eve is merely a night for amateurs who haven’t done the training or backed it up with a solid diet consisting of booze, booze and more booze, and who attempt to run the marathon that is the biggest party night of the year other than the funerals of loathed ones. Cut to boozy floozies and coked-out blokes roaming the streets like zombies in search of the one thing that will keep them alive: a taxi.
So on the eve of 2012, let’s count down to our own number one tip that will leave you the most elegant and wondrous at whatever party you choose to attend.
10. Wear sensible shoes. Understand that you’re going to be on your feet all night, even after you leave the venue. If you need to, pack a spare pair of flats in case you need to change, and do so in a discreet ladylike or gentlemanly manner. There’s no excuse for bare feet.
9. Set a budget. Know how much you want to spend before you head out for the night and stick to it. Take only what you need with you and you find yourself ringing in the New Year in a state of impecuniosity, eating instant noodles well into February.
8. Have an exit strategy. Before you leave, know when you would like to get home. Sure, the night has the propensity to run away from us all, but having a subconscious will to leave at a certain time will steer your feet in the direction of the door if your imbibed head says the opposite.
7. Bring your own. If you’re attending a party and wish to drink or wish to partake in the more nefarious of substances (We’re a modern etiquette authority, thus, realistic) make sure you have a supply (of one, the other or both) before arriving. There’s nothing more annoying than someone scooping out of the bathtub from others’ stash or stalking people around the dance floor. Think like a Boy Scout: Be prepared.
6. Don’t take over the music. If you’re spending New Year’s Eve at a friend’s party, or more importantly, a stranger’s, resist the urge to hijack the stereo with your own iPod selection. That is, unless the entire thing’s a disaster, in which case, ask permission before impressing others with your impeccable musical taste.
5. Allow time for transportation before the stroke of midnight. You don’t want to be wishing Happy New Year to a taxi driver, although, he probably deserves it, so leave enough time to commute between venues.
4. Don’t take all your drugs at once. Two words: Emergency Ward. Ease up there, trashbag.
3. Take painkillers before bed. The seasoned professional knows that there’s nothing better than a gallon of water and some cheeky codeine before bed—it’s commonsense and makes the next day more bearable.
2. Drink only good booze. Why salute a new year with a mediocre beverage? Promise yourself to see it in in style and opt for French champagne, top shelf spirits and premium lagers. Nothing quells nor prevents a hangover more than drinking quality over quantity.
1. Decide who you’re going to kiss before midnight. No one wants to be pashing the embodiment of their Year Nine maths teacher, unless of course, said maths teacher was hot.
Thank you for joining us this year from your Agony Uncle and the rest of us at I Do Believe I Came with a Hat. We wish you a safe, pleasant and fun New Year’s Eve and Day, and look forward to spending 2012 with you.
Published on 29 December 2011 by Agony Uncle