Dear Agony Uncle,

I found out entirely by accident that my husband urinates in sinks. He does it not only at home, but in other people’s homes as well. Afterwards, he rinses the sink with water from the faucet, so at least he’s making an effort at cleaning after himself. When I spoke to him about it, he responded that it wasn’t a big deal, and that he was doing his part to “save water.” How do I handle this? Is he really saving water?

Sinking Feeling, Hampton

Dear Sinking Feeling,

Usually I’m not so direct, but your husband is an animal. I’m certain when you agreed to the “for better or for worse” caveat that the ‘worse’ part would involve his relieving himself in an incredibly unconventional and uncouth manner. I hope only for your sake that he opts for the bathroom sink over the kitchen.

Below I’ve taken the liberty of listing places other than the sink he could go, should he feel the need, which also double as frugal measures to save water:
- a pot plant;
- a hot water bottle;
- an empty ice cream container;
- a plastic shopping bag previously inspected for holes;
- the lemon tree in the backyard;
- an enemy’s frozen margarita;
- Bear Grylls, because he would probably ask anyway;
- Muammar Gaddafi’s funeral urn;
- Kim Kardashian, because she’s so good at it;
- the GODDAMN FREAKING TOILET!!!!

Sure, his efforts are arguably conscientious, socially responsible and admirable even; but what about a basic sense of decency? Who cares about saving water if you can’t save face when visiting the relatives? I know my mother would have a pink fit and possibly remove the greater part of her epidermis scrubbing the basin with bleach if she knew someone had sprayed it with their own personal brand of ammonia.

Pull that man of yours aside and have a quiet word. Tell him that this is not a frat house, nor an episode of Felicity, nor the apocalypse. Tell him water saving was why the dual flush cistern was invented and if feels it obligatory, to only flush after the Man from Snowy River has paid a visit ie. there was movement. Failure to comply will result in removal of all privileges as you see fit,  and only if he expresses true remorse should you give him his doggy treat.

I do believe there’s more for you to read: