Beer, Bogans, Barbecues & Bad Behaviour: A Visual Guide to Australia Day

Published on 25 January 2012 by


Beer, Bogans, Barbecues & Bad Behaviour: A Visual Guide to Australia Day

It’s the day when sales of booze and soda bulbs in regional centres spike (although we cannot attest to whether they’re being used in the creation of pavlovas); and that’s just the feral folk making their way to the Rainbow Serpent Festival. Australia Day: the celebration of our nation’s European heritage and for most, a good excuse to hit the cans and the greater part of a large animal.

We’ve taken the liberty of preparing a visual guide to Australia Day addressing its most common 5 ‘B’s: beer, bogans, barbecues and bad behaviour.

Learn to Pronounce It Before You Celebrate It

Some might have you believe that ‘Australia’ is a six-letter word with only two syllables; this is not the case. Open that jaw, pronounce your ‘A’s as ‘ay’s and not ‘eye’s or ‘oy’s and impress other with your impeccable diction.

Plan Ahead When Entertaining

You must love a country where you can kill, cook and devour your national emblem without fear of treason, however, you must ensure you that you don’t make one egregious entertaining mistake: not having a vegetarian alternative. Believe it or not, not everyone eats meat, and although you’ll never be able to fully trust a vegetarian, they’re among us like racists and Celine Dion fans and you must cater for them. Our simple Venn diagram below demonstrates this concept.

When it comes to stocking the bar fridge, it’s a day of national pride not nationalism. Most people would prefer to imbibe a local brew, but don’t forget those with the more highfalutin of palates: open the borders to ethnic diversity and buy a slab of European beer.

Stay Cultured, Stay Chic

It’s easy to become nostalgic on Australia Day, but it doesn’t mean you have to revert to Australiana kitsch. If it has wattle or cork anything attached, is served from a foil bladder or comes with its own band of “Crocmen” backup dancers, then it’s not chic. Unless of course you do it with a sense of irony, then it’s no-holds-barred hilarity.

Think Before You Ink

It might seem patriotic, it might seem like a good idea after your forty-third beer, but please think long and hard before you tattoo yourself with what was otherwise a seemingly innocuous constellation until the bogans appropriated it. Consider this: “Bacne” aside, here’s what your tattoo might start out looking like:

And here’s an artist’s impression of it at age 70:

Not so hot now is it?

Cultural Sensitivity

Remember, yes, it’s a day for celebration for most, however, one should maintain a level of cultural sensitivity, particularly to those of indigenous descent whose ancestors were likely pillaged in the name of colonialism. Don’t dwell on the subject, don’t get into heated arguments—just smile, agree and thank your lucky stars you’re not a kangaroo or an emu as you back away slowly.

Happy Australia Day, everyone!

I do believe there’s more for you to read:

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