I’m going to go out on a hirsute limb here by saying that real gentlemen have body hair. Sure, it mightn’t be very metrosexual of me to state, however, sometimes I wonder when grooming will ever be darling enough. If a Brazilian wax isn’t extreme enough for you ladies, then how about doing it while hanging off a cliff with synthetic talons à la Nicola Charles in Neighbours circa 1998—that’s MAXTREME! Fellas, is a BSC snoozeville for you? Then have all of your body hair ripped off along with your masculinity while being dangled above a shark-infested swimming pool with raw meat attached to your genitals—that’s MAXTREME!
Okay, so perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration—or is it?—and personal grooming doesn’t have to be so death-defying to be risky business. Though, here are some hair-raising facts about hair that you mightn’t know:
● Evolution hasn’t rid of us of armpit hair as it acts as a method of drawing heat away from the body and acting as our own inbuilt air conditioner. Have you ever seen a feminist sweat? No.
● Likewise, we as mammals still have pubic hair as it acts as a natural lubricant for the act of copulation. This is something the manufacturers of KY Jelly don’t want you to know. Although, men who like men, this isn’t endorsement to give up the grease—play safely out there.
● In Elizabethan times, it was common practice for women to pluck their hairlines up to two inches as it was considered highly alluring. Nowadays, you’d say, “Get thee to a hair replacement specialist” over “Get thee to my chambers, thou hornbag with receding hairline.”
Now, àpropos all things follicular, retaining one’s body hair isn’t a leave of absence from all forms of grooming; nosiree. He is a well-mannered man who trims all of his hair; whether his beard, his mop, his moustache or Nature’s lubricant. Now this modern and considerate man has the right tools in his armoury.
Take, for example, the Remington Pro Power Pro Sports Pack. It comes with not one, but two methods of keeping your locks in lock-down. Included are a hair clipper and a body groomer—or a Whipper Snipper and a lawnmower, if you will—with a range of accessories and attachments in a sporty blue. Each has stainless steel blades, is cordless rechargeable (no more near misses with electrocution) and comes with its own charging stand.
The hair clipper has nine settings on its adjustable comb, and dare I say it could be used to clipper anything from top to toe. My advice is not to get creative, particularly after a night on the turps when these things seem like a good idea—they’re not. As for the body groomer, it’s shower-proof, which means you can get your shave on in the shower without fear of joining the afterlife, albeit a smooth one.
Now as someone who experimented with both and tried them without the comb attachments, once your hair is gone, it’s gone for a long time. Don’t do what I did and instead, read the instructions first. If you go overboard, don’t attempt to fix it, otherwise you’ll look like the day you were born and we know that the only people who prefer nothing anywhere are incarcerated or on the registered sex offenders list.
And a final word on body hair etiquette: Always clean up after yourself. Whoever you live with, be it your loved one, housemates or your mother, doesn’t need to find your freshly trimmed hair upon their next trip to the bathroom (or kitchen).
Published on 9 February 2012 by Agony Uncle