A day that makes men’s wallets quiver with fear, lovers panic with pressure and the single fill with loathsomeness and dismay is coming. Oh yes. We speak of Valentine’s Day, the international day of paying tribute to our lovers past and romances present, while simultaneously enduring stabbing disappointment in our propensity for singularity.
The day is said to have been born from the tales of woe faced by St Valentine in the early formative years of Roman Catholicism. The stories surrounding him in his efforts for love, and the heartache and hardship in its pursuance are moving and kind of make you feel for the guy. He clearly had something good going given he was martyred for his penchant in his monumental love muscle (that’s the heart, you dirty people).
However, for those who don’t quite fit the bill, find the day a commercial and romantic farce and have more to say about those you don’t love as opposed to those you do, heed our handy gift suggestions.
Dirty Rotten Flowers helps the most bitter of singletons this Valentine’s Day come out on top by throwing heartache to the wind and sending past lovers a token of one’s disaffection with a lovely bouquet of decomposing flowers, decapitated roses or a dozen twisted red carnations.
Nothing says “I hate you” like a romantically packed bouquet of flowers with all the hype of a regular delivery, but with the stench of decay and the wretchedness of dislike. Happy Valentine’s Day.
However, for those who haven’t quite mastered the art of the green thumb and prefer a gift that pays more homage to the salt of the earth as opposed to the beautiful things that grow from it, do consider the wonderment behind Poopsenders.com; a truly heinous gift that if doesn’t convey the desired message of ‘You’re a sack of…” we don’t know what will.
With an elegant and tasteful range of cow pats, elephant crap or gorilla logs, the recipient is sure to see red—and not in the heart-throb romantic way. Throw caution to the wind and flush past love down the toilet with the be all and end all of anti-romance gifts. Just pray you’re not next in line.
Published on 13 February 2012 by James Banham