As the clock ticks ever closer to Valentine’s Day, it is time to assess one’s romantic outlook and consider whether we are bringing an air of romance to our every day life or whether our romantic palate is so jaded that we would like to spit on Cupid and perhaps a few other archery enthusiasts for good measure (Little known fact: Geena Davis was a United States Olympic archery team semi-finalist).

This poll will help you identify your Valentine’s Day Personality Type and give some timely advice for sharpening your Valentine’s Day pencil. Did that just get crass? I’m not even sorry.

1. Describe your view towards Saint Valentine:

(a) He’s not just a saint, he’s the saint. He pretty much defines my religion. I regularly like to think, “What would Valentine do?”  He’s more of a saint than Roger Moore and Val Kilmer put together. (Side bar: Why did things go so terribly wrong for Val Kilmer after he peaked with the Top Gun volleyball scene?)

(b) I’m relatively positive towards him (e.g. I approve of the fact that his existence may get me more chocolate.)

(c) I wish he had been martyred sooner. He has made things more difficult for everyone. I’d like to punch him in the wings.

(d) Saint Who

2. My lead up to Valentine’s Day can best be described as:

(a) An intensely choreographed campaign including the purchase of candles, a personal grooming extravaganza and meditating on the meaning of romance.

(b) Forgetting about it until the 11th of February at which point I scramble to find something to do and hope that I have a suitable outfit clean and pressed on the day.

(c) Writing a list of romantic people I would like to slap.

(d) Exactly the same as the lead up to Saint Christina the Astonishing‘s Day.

3. My ideal Valentine’s day would be:

(a) A romantic scavenger hunt initiated by a secret admirer, followed by dinner at my favourite restaurant that said person knowingly booked, drinks at an amazing new bar I hadn’t even heard of and a lingering kiss to finish the evening.

(b) Receiving a Valentine’s Day card from someone other than your mother/someone who pities you.

(c) Something bad happening to a celebrity couple.

(d) Winning the lottery.

4. The most Valentine’s Day cards I have ever received in a single day is:

(a) 10, but I hope to get more this year.

(b) 2, and one was from an actual love interest.

(c) 1, and I made sure to publicly embarrass that person so it would never happen again.

(d) Unsure. I think there was a red envelope in my mailbox once, but it might have been promotional material. I didn’t open it.

5. I will consider that this year’s Valentine’s Day is a success if:

(a) I am with Mr/Miss/Dr Right and we really connect.

(b) I am not home alone or out but in need of one of my friends to hold my hair back as I throw up after too many/much Cosmos/beers/ipecac.

(c) I make someone cry.

(d) I don’t sleep through my alarm.

Tally up your responses and find out your Valentine’s Day profile by the answer that received the most love:

Mostly (a) — Romance Junkie

You embody the spirit of St Valentine and in many ways, consider yourself his messenger on earth. Here’s a thought: that’s a little creepy. You might want to tone it down just a hair, read the newspaper, get out to a sporting event once in a while and stop freaking people out with the heart-shaped, scented post-it notes.

Mostly (b) — Valentine’s Dabbler

You are vaguely enthusiastic about St Valentine’s day but realistic about the chances of something romantic actually happening on the day. And by realistic, we mean, pessimistic. Keep your chin up—it could happen to you. Don’t forget to get a wax. Hush now, we know you will.

Mostly (c) — Heart-shapes Hater

You despise Valentine’s Day and everything and everyone associated with it. If you could take every romantic thing in the world and burn them in a pyre of ire, you would. Did someone hurt you really badly? I don’t even care; you are totally ruining my buzz. Get some therapy and stop raining on my heart-shaped parade.

Mostly (d) — Too Vague to Function

There is something happening on the 14th of February called Valentine’s Day. You need to understand this and get around it. It’s relatively fun and totally painless. Read up.

I do believe there’s more for you to read: